I decided to do a little fun activity with the kids I tutored one time by asking them questions. I think one of them had said something that piqued my interest and it made me want to get through their thought patterns.
I really do not recall what the question that I had asked them was, but this kid said something along the lines of, "...then my daddy will beat my mummy." I was surprised and concerned. I kept up with the game, ended by giving corrections to some of the things they said, and let it be. So chit-chatting and giving reports to their parents, I told the kid's parent about what she had said. Turned out it was one of her peers whose dad hits the mum that talked about it with her classmates and how women/wives should respect the men/husbands 'else' they'd get beaten.
I remember when stories of abuse were carried around Facebook and the social media space. Every story left me perturbed and shocked. Mostly, they were from romantic relationships.
I do know that abuse can be suffered from not just partners but friends, family, in workplaces, etc and these abuse take different forms that sometimes, the abused does not know that they are being abused.
Just like
That child in the story above who did not know that hitting anyone is wrong and abnormal and may become an adult who thinks that's how relationships should work.
Or, like someone who wasn't shown love growing up and so at every slight touch of love/compassion would be so excited that even when taken for granted/disrespected, would be unable to stop it for fear of losing out on the love.
Or, a child who grew up learning to
apologize for things never did and so would grow older to apologize even when in the right or when being gaslighted because they think it's always their fault.
Or, someone who's abused at work but would be unable to leave for fear of losing out on making their pay and the fear of eventualities/getting another job even when they feel worthless at the current one.
Or, even a person who's ridiculed and abused at home for not doing something for the family even if it's obvious that they couldn't and/or it's detrimental to self. And so they go around thinking they have to be responsible for everyone else even to their disadvantage. On and on.
Abuse comes in a truckload of forms, and I want to think that the abuser does not necessarily know that he/she is one. Sad!
For the purpose of this article, I would narrow down why people stay in these toxic situations for these two reasons:
▪︎ This is all they know and so are used to it
▪︎ They think they can change that abusive
person somewhere down the line.
Humans are funny yet complicated creatures. It takes more than physical proof to change someone's thought process sometimes. The natural thing most people give into is thinking that they can make a change in someone's life. Sometimes, we never open our eyes up to see that it's up to the other to realize the damage that they have done wasn't helpful.
Not to forget that people only do what they are allowed to get away with.
Some people keep choosing the same
relationship pattern because it is familiar to them even though it isn't a healthy partnership.
Familiar isn't always a good thing, such as in this situation.
They could actually be afraid of being in a
committed relationship, so they keep choosing people who they know will never work out for them. They complain because they know they are with the wrong person but have no idea how to break the pattern and be with someone they really care for.
They often don't know how to be alone, so they settle with the wrong people time and time again.
But then again, people have said that love conquers all. And so if they could only change this or that about themselves or about the other person, everything would be so perfect. They want to be open to change.
Because they tell themselves that they love this person and are willing to put in the work.
Because this is so difficult and such a struggle, all they want is for it to work - and maybe, someday, it will. Maybe if they try just a little bit harder. Maybe if they try just a little bit longer. It's just around the corner, they think.
Even though it's been years, and also because it's been years and they have already invested so much.
This topic is one that I could write extensively on. It's annoying and simple yet complex. But I do think that with almost all kinds of abuse, the major fear for the abused stems from starting afresh.
Starting over can mean facing numerous challenges, such as finding a new home, securing employment, detaching from very close friends and even family, and rebuilding their lives from scratch.
I also think that it takes courage to acknowledge an abuse and to disntagled from it.
Reducing the rate of it for me would mean letting everyone go through therapy. Cause, I think, that in most cases, these abusers had grown in such environments that have influenced the behaviors. And this behaviour may rub off on those around them and the cycle goes on.
Thanks for gracing this post.
Greetings!
