Sometimes, surprising people doesn't work out quite the way you intend.
“Well, he shoulda figured, with Edwina, but, let's pile on anyway, because this is good,” nine-year-old Milton Trent said to his nine-year-old cousin Vertran Stepforth as both joined said pile that would have eleven rejoicing children in total.
It had not started with rejoicing; moving a house onto an empty lot on a cul-de-sac is a noisy operation, and a bit smelly when sewer lines have to be attached, and eight-year-old Edwina Ludlow was not happy.
“Cousin Harry, I'm trying to be a sweet little girl, so I need you to go over there and tell them to please stop it!” she said. “I mean, how am I not supposed to break bad when that is the most unfashionable sound and smell yet?”
“Well, if I go tell them to stop it now,” Col. H.F. Lee said with the slightest of smiles, “your new neighbors will be delayed moving in next week.”
“OK, but they need to give some kind of notice about this stuff, and I didn't get anything!” Edwina said.
“Notice was given to everyone 18 and up,” the colonel said.
“Well, see, this isn't fair because you adults never think about kids needing to know because some of us are sensitive to sounds and smells too – I coulda talked us into going for a long walk, or actually going to a resort or something!”
“I will make a note for next time I have a house moved, Edwina.”
“And another thing – who has done the quality checks on the new neighbors? Are they the type of people that should be living near Ludlows and Trents? Do they even like kids? Are they people who like all colors of kids, because I will break bad if anyone tries to mess with Gracie or Velma, and even though Milton gets on my nerves, he's Gracie's brother so that's that – he's hers and she's mine and I don't play about mine and I don't play about theirs!”
Mrs. Maggie Lee was rolling laughing in the background as her husband played out the string a little more.
“Your grandparents and I have vetted the new people. The husband is a bit … well, he has been known to break bad, but, like your grandfather, he is doing his work like you are and should be no trouble to sweet little girls and any of their siblings or friends. In fact, if there is ever trouble, he might just have enough break bad left in him to be some help.”
“Good, because the last thing I need around here is dead weight – I keep telling y'all that Papa and I are trying to get our lives together, but he's still Problem Papa and I'm his Problem Child and we don't need anybody messing up the good vibes we are trying to live in on some foolishness! We just don't need the nonsense!”
“You remind me of your great-grandmother, Hilda Lee, who handled the housing committee when Lees-of-the-Mountain broke new ground,” the colonel said. “My great-aunt made sure certain people didn't live next to each other because nobody needs to go back to the Civil War.”
“My kind of woman!” Edwina said. “Every neighborhood needs one!”
“Well, since I'm actually the new person for the Veteran's Lodge, I'm the neighborhood Lee who is going to be in charge of all that, so suppose we go check out what is going on.”
“OK, because I love being backup on laying down the neighborhood law!”
So Col. Lee and his little cousin went from the garden to the front of the Ludlow house to look across the cul-de-sac at the work being done.
“So, they need to get set up, and then it will be next Wednesday or so before the new people can move in.”
“I wish you and Cousin Maggie would just get that house – it's only Thursday!” Edwina said. “Just end-run them – what is all that Special Forces training for anyway?”
“We're way ahead of you, Edwina – we are the new people!”
Edwina's face covered with joy, and then she employed that huge contralto, analog to her grandfather's basso profundo.
“HEY! COUSIN HARRY AND COUSIN MAGGIE ARE ONLY GONNA BE GONE FOR TWO DAYS! THEY'RE MOVING INTO THE NEW HOUSE WEDNESDAY! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!”
All the other Ludlow grandchildren came and hug-tackled Col. Lee, and then their little Trent and Stepforth friends piled on until he was eleven children deep.
“They almost did what so many have tried and failed to do, Colonel – they almost put you underground with their combined weight!” Mr. Thomas Stepforth said later from the Trent house. “Something you're going to have to get used to: we love them, but they're dangerous!”
“Oh well,” Col. Lee said. “I needed a new challenge in my life. They are definitely it!”
“Especially Edwina,” Mr. Stepforth said.
“Edwina is like Gracie,” Col. Lee said. “They make you be serious about your prayer life.”
“Like Gracie and her Jubilee-of-the-mountain-born grandmother would say here, ain't it the truth, Colonel, ain't it the truth.”