In as much as I’m tempted to talk about the things I don’t like about people, I realized that there are also some things I don’t like in myself and I’d love to change them but somehow I still have to just bear with them. Having to know one’s self is actually the easiest thing but then due to the fact that we don’t want to be truthful to ourselves, we end up even lying to ourselves. Personally, I have several traits I don’t like in myself and trust me, I’ve been trying to work on them.
People always tell me that I’m fun to chat with and also be with but then, somehow I still end up not having a lasting relationship with them because of this particular character I have. So here is it, sometimes when I’ve built a connection with someone, I find myself always wanting to connect more and more but most times I just always want to be in their space but when that becomes hard due to them not wanting the same, I find myself growing quiet and when that happens, I most times end up distancing myself from that person. I feel this won’t have to happen if only I can understand them better.
Even as jovial and fun as I am, once I grow quiet it takes a lot to bring me back to my jovial state and if you are not careful we might loss that connection we once shared. I think this is actually the reason why I always like to keep a conversation going and that makes me a fun chatter but then once I notice that you are no longer interested, even though you might still be, something in me just starts withdrawing and that has never ended well. I’m but sure you might understand what I mean but I’m sure those who are close to me might understand better.
Another character I don’t like in myself is the fact that I always take myself less seriously. I always find myself wanting the best for the next person but I hardly ever take my time to take care of myself as I should especially when it comes to eating well. I always find myself starving because of reasons I can’t even say. Most times it’s due to the fact that there is no food at home and somehow, there is hardly food at home because I don’t even know what I should eat. I’m one of those people that wish that someone can eat for me and I will be full, lol. And as someone who always have people around, I just have to wait until everyone decides what to eat because I’m not really good at making the choices.
And that is because I don’t think my opinion matters since I’m not really a picky eater. And sometimes the other person might also have the same habit and that is how we are just going to stay hungry until we finally decide. And this also happens due to the fact that I feel spending too much on myself is me being selfish. Yes I have the money sometimes but that has been one of the reasons why I even feel I should care more for the other person than myself because I know I can sort myself out in the end.
Finally, I always find myself always expecting the worst things for myself and hoping the next person gets the better one when I could actually hope we both get the best. I know it is good to wish people well but most times I miss the point and even start praying for the worst things on me. Again, I do this because I just have the believe that if I’m the one in that situation it would be easier for me to handle it. I’m not sure what made me have all of these different characters but I do know that someone somewhere is not relating well with me again because of one or two of these reasons. Uhmm.. on a second thought I think this is good but I just need to stop wishing myself the worst things too.
Lately, I’ve been trying to do better but it is just not working. So what I do is, I try as much as I can to be intentional about changing all of these characters in me and make them something that will make me a more better person. I believe that by being intentional, I’d be able to control to an extent these characters and with time it will form new character for me that will be better hopefully.
This is my response to the Hivelearners topic suggestion on ”JUST THREE THINGS”.
