I have always been that ‘talk girl' and that has helped me through many phases of my life. Every time something is going on with me, I find someone to talk to about it, and if there is no one, I talk out loud to myself so that I can get whatever it is off my chest.
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I remember not being able to tell anyone about my dad's sickness in 2022. I was too ashamed that my dad had bipolar, especially because of the tantrums and stigma that came with it.
Every morning I would stay on my knees praying and crying for God to heal my dad but when I saw my friends or went to school, there was a perfect smile on my face. No one could tell that I was carrying a burden I couldn't wait to throw down my shoulder.
I was seated on my balcony one day, completely lost in my thoughts when my caretaker walked up to me.
He was a middle-aged man who went about his own business except he had something to say to any of the occupants. When he walked in my direction, I thought he was going to walk past me but he pulled a plastic chair from the balcony and sat with me.
“Don't you think you're too young to sit sadly like this?”
I turned my tired eyes to him. The night before was another hectic night filled with tantrums and I barely slept a wink. I gave him a soft smile and made to stand up but he held my arm.
“Please sit. I don't mean to disturb you. I just wanted to know if you're okay. You've been sitting here staring at nothing for almost an hour”
I nodded. For some reason, words were not coming to my head especially since I wasn't enjoying the uninvited company, I wanted to be alone.
When he saw that I wasn't responding, he sat there with me in silence. I didn't even care about my neighbors who walked past from time to time and saw us seated like that. I just wanted my own private space and was grateful that he knew well enough to respect that fact.
Almost an hour later, I dragged myself up from the chair, thanked him for keeping me company, and went in to collapse on my bed. When I woke up the following morning, I realized that I was feeling much better.
I couldn't place if it was sitting with my caretaker or sleeping for 11 hours that made me feel better, I just knew that I liked the way I was feeling that day.
The following evening I went to sit on that chair again hoping he would come by to sit with me. He didn't come around till late in the evening and when he did, he sent me a knowing smile.
“I lost my wife just a year after I married her,” he said after we exchanged pleasantries and he took that chair to sit with me again. I turned to see if there was a sad look on his face but instead, there was a small smile as if he was happy that she died.
“And every evening,” he continued, “I would come out just like you have done and sit alone after her burial. I placed a chair opposite me and put her picture frame on it. I just wanted to keep seeing her face. I was scared that I would forget her.”
I felt my eyes grow moist but I willed myself to remain calm, if I began to cry, he may not get to the end of the story.
“One day my mother came over to see how I was doing and she saw me sitting opposite that picture. I thought she was going to think that it was weird but you know what? She sat with me”
I turned to look at his face again, his smile had grown bigger.
“Then she suddenly began to speak to me about my wife, how she regarded her when she first met her, how she slowly began to like her, and how she finally accepted her. When she was done, she asked if I still wasn't going to say anything. I spoke my heart out that day and cried like a baby but when I was done, it was like a heavy burden was taken off my chest. I still miss her, but I am no longer sad that she's not here”
I wiped the corners of my eyes when he wasn't looking and gave him a big smile when he rose.
“Let it out when you're sad or it will kill you inside” Then he walked away.
I went in to take my phone immediately. I knew that if I called my best girl she would cry along with me so instead, I called my best boy. After explaining the situation, he asked me to keep quiet so he could sing to me. I didn't know when I slept off.
The very next day he came over to the house and picked me up for a ride around town. We spoke about so many things and even made plans to go visit my dad together. As time went on, I noticed that I was happier, there was someone else in the world who knew about my burden and was ready to go through it with me.
Now whenever I'm sad I don't keep to myself. My former caretaker's words keep ringing in my ears that if I don't let it out, it will kill me inside so I do exactly just that and it always works for me.