I went out today to buy some groceries and other necessities, and I took a few pictures of my face because I had not done so in a long time, and from my cheekbones I noticed I would lost a lot of weight, my beards and hair were visibly overgrown, and I do not see cutting hair as a necessity. It used to be a source of pride for me, but now I simply cut it whenever I feel it has grown too long and I am no longer recognizable.
That picture made it much easier for me to see my face, and was I a ghost of my former self? The fact that I was plumper in the past did not imply that I was healthier. I am actually healthier than I used to be; it is just that I believe the depression I have been dealing with for the past six months makes it difficult for me to gain weight.
I am not sure why this is the case, but I have noticed it in my life. I worked a job for seven years and lost a lot of weight, which was not necessary because the job was too difficult; I simply did not feel happy, so I resigned and gained a lot of weight. For me, it was psychological; many people believe that gaining weight is all about eating, but I do not think so.
I believe that gaining weight can be a psychological issue, and I have had a lot of mental problems that have affected my physical appearance.
However, I dislike using the word depression. Previously, I believed it was a place where people would fall and never return. When I go through difficult times, I always try to mentally overcome them. My health challenges were massive, but I did not let them depress me.
I do believe that I did not truly understand how things were, but I also chose to live in ignorance because I knew who I was.
I eventually fell into depression, and it was not because of my financial or health situation; it was because I lost the only person in my life who provided me with hope. Maybe I underestimated it or did not realize it in time, but as the saying goes, we do not know what we have until we lose.
However, all of the symptoms of depression have been present, and while I sometimes admit that I am depressed, I also live in denial.
My life has never been the same.
It is not like I completely miss my previous life. I just miss not being able to wake up feeling positive. Every time I sleep and wake up, I realize that my life has changed and that nothing is the same anymore. Reality seems to push its way into my thoughts, and it can be difficult to get a break.
I saw a lot of people on my way home, and I remember how I used to be like them: carefree, merry, lively, and funny. I sometimes can not form complete sentences without zoning out. I sometimes have incomplete conversations with people because I get lost in my thoughts.
Every little thing reminds me of the pain I have experienced. A simple conversation with anyone can leave me staring at the nothingness of the atmosphere.
I have just realized why I keep to myself so much. Too much interaction with the open world overwhelms me; I understand that I may need these interactions to function again, but they do more harm than good to me.
I believe that keeping to myself helps me more. I do not want to deceive myself or place my hope in the ineffective motivation of others. I keep to myself and the comfort of my Bible and church service; it is mostly like my routine is the same, and while it may appear boring, I want to take my time to remind myself of who I am, why I am in this position, and why I am going through what I am experiencing.
I do not want anyone to motivate me out of thin air; I believe it is pointless; if I can not motivate myself, I doubt I will find meaning in any external motivation.
My time spent on myself was not a waste. I have learned a lot by simply keeping up with myself. One of them is that life is more profound than some of our shallow experiences. I experience depression for a variety of reasons. It is like being caught in a storm or a tornado, losing your money, being involved in a shipwreck, and being left on a deserted island without water or food.
There does not appear to be any physical light at the end of the tunnel, and we are left wading through water.
However, I place my faith and hope in something greater and higher than anything else. I need a miracle, and I know it. I am looking for the strength to accept all of my new realities, and even more strength to keep my head above water. As I previously stated, my faith is in God, because everything else has been largely disappointing.
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