Change is normal, but the expectation of change can lead to uncertainty, which we may dislike. For example, my personality has changed significantly.
I used to be outgoing, cheerful, talkative, vibrant, and funny, among other things, but I am no longer any of these. A lot has happened to me, and it has changed me beyond recognition. Despite the terrible things that have happened, I am glad to have gone through this transition, even if it appears sad and unfortunate on the surface.
People occasionally ask me why I do not check in on them like I used to; they interpret it as hostility or that I have unfriended them, but most of the time I find it difficult to respond because I do not like repeating the same story over and over. When things happen, you must always explain, and choosing silence over explanation makes it difficult for people to understand.
Isn't Love Suppose To Be Reciprocal?
Someone was telling one of my aunts that I had not called her and that as a result, they were angry with me. I asked my aunt why they were angry. I am still grieving the loss of my only brother and going to the hospital for health complications, so what would motivate me to pick up the phone and talk to people in the midst of all of this?
They had not called me in a year, and I was not angry about it, so why should they be angry that I had not called them? I thought care and love were meant to be reciprocal, not one-sided?
Yes, love and care can sometimes be one-sided. When one party do not turn up, then it's over.
It's Tough Out There
on the surface, many people don't understand that life's tough, because it hasn't been tough for them. However, I believe that when people disappear or appear to socially disappear, the first thing we should do as humans is imagine how difficult life could be for them: consider any health issues, the cost of living, mental and physical health, and a variety of other factors.
I was not upset that they did not call me, and it seemed unfathomable that they were upset that I had not called.
Social Activeness Is Not A Mean Feat
Many people underestimate the steps required before becoming socially active. Posting a meme online, reacting "like" to a funny picture, or posting pictures online all require a stable state of mind.
I understand that many sad people are online and using their online activities to help them overcome their depression, but it takes something even more to be able to call someone and ask how they are.
Most of the time, I find myself not fitting in with people because they are in a much better mood than I am, and I am unable to contribute to their happy conversation. The world is a mindless place, and if you are particularly mindful, it will be difficult to fit in with mindless conversations.
Aside from being overly concerned about my health, I am at peace because I have accepted my reality, all of my losses, and come to terms with everything that has happened to me. All of my anger seems to be dissipating as I accept my reality, but sometimes people confuse silence with anger.
I have people I know; they know me, they know how I used to be, and even though they do not understand what I have been through, I prefer to avoid them because I no longer fit into their merry band. It is difficult for me to be happy on the outside while sad on the inside, so instead of transferring negative energy to others or ruining their fun, I would rather let them be themselves.
Nobody deserves to share your sadness unless they choose to, and this is because people understand what they are going through, and it can be selfish to ask people to imagine themselves in your shoes; aside from the fact that they will not understand, people should choose to be happy or sad, especially if they have the power to control it.
Many people will go through mental transitions in their lives, while others will not; it is always difficult for me to explain. Talking has not always been my strong suit. For someone who is extremely expressive, I find it easier to cry than to speak. If I can not type, crying is how I express my pain, and sometimes people misinterpret my silence for cruelty or indifference.
The External Conflict
Aside from the death of my only brother, I would not say that the changes in my life have been all bad. I am starting to see life differently, and if I were not so sad, being mindfully conscious would have been the best thing that ever happened to me.
Now, I don't really care who is happy or unhappy with me. It will not change my situation, nor will it have any positive or negative consequences for me. Regardless of what others think about the changes that have occurred in my life, I am content with myself. I do not want to be the person I used to be; I regret living the life that came with that personality, and for one thing, I am glad I am a different person.
I see clearly now because I have been blind for so long, and now I truly see, and it is unfortunate that it took things going wrong for this to happen, but even the Bible said it, except a seed falls to the ground, it abides alone. Most of the time, we do not learn until something happens, and then we learn subconsciously without even realizing it.
I find peace and acceptance every day, and it is been difficult, but I have gradually come to accept a lot of things, which is why I no longer worry about external conflict.
Interested in some more of my works
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