“I wish, if I had chosen what the masses are choosing then I might not have to suffer this much,” I say this to myself often. It's relatively easy to go with the flow, the success and failure numbers are large enough to blame them if something goes sideways. But I have been struggling with something that my heart had triggered and I am still walking where the roads are getting challenging instead of making things easier.
“You are not a teenager anymore, what’s your plans for your future? Should we impose something if you aren't sure about anything, time is ticking,” my elder brother asked. I know this is something coming from my parents as well, he spoke on behalf of them as our bonding is quite strong so he felt it appropriate to ask me directly.
I was like,” I need some time, one more year to graduate, and in the meantime, I want to try something of my own. I know I am trying a few things that aren't working as I had expected but I wanna see the end of them.”
He knows about me, what I am doing, and what I wanna do. He often fears that I am just wasting time chasing a probable decision that might lead to nowhere. Traditional things have a definite goal to understand and grasp easily, but I am going without the flow. This is what I am afraid of as well. All the negative outcomes of choosing an unconventional path start to appear before me, my mind gets congested on what to do if I fall straight, and how to handle the situation for making such decisions. I lose confidence and start to mess up pretty badly which hampers my progress. In such situations, he comes ahead to calm me.
“Okay, no worries. If you feel like you have a future here, keep doing whatever you are doing. No need to ask about someone’s opinion, don't pay heed to what the others are saying, just keep moving. I am with you.” This was a part of last week’s conversation.
He has never restricted me to anything, nor did my father. My mother is a little bit conservative, she has a fear of getting spoiled and that's why she doesn't want to take risks. My brother came forward and made both of them understand how sometimes things that we get fearful about turn out to be something fruitful. Why restrict me if I am dedicated to exploring the unknown?
“I don't know exactly what you are doing, nor will I understand them that much, let alone our parents. I just understand your well-being and that you are doing something good, stabilizing your future. As long as you are on the right path, we don't have any problem, best of luck.” he had added.
Every time I feel down or a conversation between us fuels me to burn the dust and start with much more enthusiasm than before, I don't feel left out or alone, it feels like I am gonna conquer something unique that only a very few can claim.
This one sounds like a motivational conversation, right? Yeah, he is the motivator for me, my elder brother is the second father of me, my shelter. He believes in me even if he sees the path I have chosen is falling apart but I am saying that I can make it, he believes that I can make it for sure.
So whenever I am choosing things going away from what the mass or traditional choice should be, he believes in me which is enough for me to move on as I don't bother much about what other people think about me apart from my family, only the family's opinion matters, if they believe in me then it's all sorted out perfectly.
I am still walking, as much as I can, waiting for an end that will make me & the people who believed in me smile.
