Happy #FreedomFriday, minimalists!
This week, my friend had a disagreement with her boyfriend. They have been dating for a week now. Apparently, my friend wanted to have long calls and conversations with him, especially due to the distance between them, but her boyfriend doesn't like calls or texting. He is probably the kind of person who loves connecting physically. Anyway, my friend had high expectations of him, that since they were dating, he would change for her, he would like calls and texts or at least try to tolerate them because of her. She expected him to make compromises for her. But, it seemed like a big problem for him, as he was always giving excuses of low battery, or prior engagements. And she would come off their short calls feeling disappointed and let down every time.
When she told me about this, it led to me reflecting on the weight of expectations and how damning it can be to both the “expecter and the expectee”. When I was younger, there were days when I would expect gifts from visiting uncles and aunties and they would not deliver. Sometimes, it wasn't like I told them about what I wanted, I just expected them to get it. And sometimes, they couldn't get these gifts. Then, I couldn't understand how they could forget to get gifts while visiting and I was always disappointed when it happened like that. Sometimes, it wasn't even their fault, it was probably adulthood making them forget to or not be able to get these things.
Growing up, I started feeling the weight of expectations from family, friends and acquaintances alike. I was expected to be the best in my academics, to be well behaved, to be molded by society’s rules and conduct, to be like a golden retriever, sort of. And on times when I failed to be the best in my academics or when I was caught in one misconduct or the other, I felt the weight of their disappointment like a stone tied around my neck. That weight was binding and caging me. I remember also having high expectations for myself. I was piling other people's expectations on top of mine. I would put this pressure on myself to be the perfect person for people, to the extent that I just wasn't enjoying myself.
It was the same when I started using the Internet and social media. I scrolled through images and videos and content, and I would see people try to conform and bend themselves to breaking point just to fulfill the expectations of the digital world. And one sad thing about all of it is that it is never enough. The wants and needs and opinions of social media is never stagnant, it is always fluctuating this way and that. And maybe for once you try to be this way for the social media, the next day you could find out that you are being old fashioned. It's just how it is.
Then, something snapped. In my first year of university, I got a GPA of 4.76 out of 5 and I was excited out of my mind. I couldn't wait to share the news to my parents, especially my dad because I always felt this overwhelming need to impress him. When I called to share the results, my dad didn't really sound as excited as I was. His reply was, “You can do better, aim higher.” I knew I could but that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that he was proud of me for working hard and so, I got angry. I was angry because I felt that I hadn't fulfilled his expectations, that nothing was ever going to be enough and I snapped.
That moment led me to the most freeing experience I ever had. I chose to release that weight of expectations from my neck and shoulders. I wasn't going to tire myself out trying to be the perfect person or the perfect daughter for anyone. I wasn't going to chase perfection to the point where I wasn't even sure of who I wanted to be. Anything I do now, I do it because it would make me happy as a person. I do it because it would fulfill me and leave me warm with joy. I focus more on progress, not perfection. I do not pressure others to meet my expectations or to behave in certain ways or to achieve specific outcomes because I believe we are all unique in our own way. Also, it means I don't get disappointed or frustrated too much. It means that when people do exceedingly well or accomplish great things, it leaves me surprisingly giddy with happiness. And I think that's a good feeling to have.
When I told a friend of mine about this, he said, “That's a bleak outlook on life.” But it's not. I have a whole lot of optimism about life. I romanticize it even, but I don't expect life to bend for me or mold itself to my whims and wishes. Letting go of expectations and the need for perfection, and embracing myself and other people for who we truly are is one of the most liberating and freeing practice I have come to appreciate.
Thanks for reading.🤗🤎
All images are originally mine.
