A lot of persons have expressed their bewilderment at my sudden decision to get married. No one is as surprised as I. Sometimes I sit back and wonder about how I moved from being against the idea of marriage in all its facets to kneeling down to propose to this lady. Love is a weird deity.
I sit here now, writing this and in my heart a swallowtail trembles. I am terrified and out of depth but I am pushing forward nevertheless. This is the bravest I have been in my life, I think. I have always looked for the path of less resistance in my interaction with the world but this, this is a big stone that I push each day, desperately and intentionally. I wake up and make plans and I say things that surprise me even as I hope they are true. But yes, I am doing this thing with an amazing person and that is enough for me. Love is just insane when you look at it from an upside down perspective, yes?
It is strange that while I have prided myself over the years for my writing ability, however meagre it may be, I am struck here trying to write a toast for invites and nothing seem to come to mind. It may be that this is as a result of the fact that I have not been able to write the sweet, the joy, the pleasure of things at any time. Writing about love, especially from the point of view of joy has never been a thing I could do without deliberate thought. Now I have to write the deepness of my love for someone and I can't seem to find the words.
What does it matter, a toast? What does it mean to the flowering of emotion that ripples through our movement through the dance that is love? Does it stand out, stiff and ready, over the years, unimpeached by the tribulations that will arise? Will anyone remember what the invitation card looks like when the body is weakened and wrecked and we are moving the bare bones of the relationship forward and it's hard?
Somehow love will abide, I believe. I am a convert now, I guess; a priest of the church of Cupid, I think. I have my censer in hand and my stole. I think I am going to climb the altar and surrender myself like another Isaac to the blade. Indeed, my days of carefree ruminations and dark depressions have been terminated at the root. I must hope. I must. From here forward, let joy be my middle name. I am getting married darlings and it is the biggest decision I have made in my life. It terrifies me with its joy. It belittles me with the weight of its forthcoming anguish.
I must however note that I do not seek to procreate and add more sadness to the world as is now. This world is a difficult place to have children now and any who is doing it, I celebrate you and wish you the strength to do it and do it right. I for one would find joy with a child but if it is not in the cards, we will dance the beautiful dance until we can't no more and then we will move our hearts in tandem. Amin.
📸: Tree Study by Michael Kenna.