Dear Hive Family,
This will be more like a letter than usual or, at least it will ramble more?) My 84 year old father had open heart surgery yesterday (it was postponed by one day). So far, knock on wood, but it seems the surgery went well. The surgeon called and said it went well.
I was very surprised that my father is already able to speak and is lucid. In fact, he phoned me twice today on his cell! He said he needs assistance to sit up, as though this is surprising at this stage.
I am completely blown away by my father’s strength. I am going to visit him. Ironically, this is challenging because of my knee. I have not walked so many steps on this leg since my knee did whatever it did a few weeks ago.
Pain is a funny thing (yeah -- hilarious?) What I mean is that it is an important signal. Mental or physical pain is such an important signal that can tell us when to alter our behavior. However, one of the arts of being human is figuring out when to push past pain and when to respect it.
Both strategies are essential to master. If I had not respected the pain of my knee a couple of weeks ago, I don't think it would have healed so much. However, now, I have to fight through it a bit because, after two weeks of near total rest, I gained a bit of weight and lost some muscle. Frustrating. However, that is a battle I can fight and win. I know how.
What I mean is that, last year, prior to some nonsense, I was losing weight and gaining muscle without harming my body or mind. I am off topic for this post, but most people truly do not understand extreme weight loss -- the mechanics or the psychology.
Most people think people my size should get weight loss surgery, which they view as magical. I will write more about this in another post, but I went for about 10 to 15 consultations for weight loss surgery. I was told that I would have to lose 100 pounds first. However, that was not the biggest issue.
Two issues made me decide to find another way (and if you are facing a similar decision, you have to do what's right for you -- it might be different from what's right for me!)
I have binge eating disorder (BED), which made them reluctant to do the surgery. Apparently, people with BED tend to do worse with the surgery.
Because my weight is extreme, the only surgery they will consider would remove a big part of my stomach permanently and irreversibly. The issue with this is that many people have difficulty getting proper nutrients after the surgery. Also, a friend who is a psychiatrist said she had two clients complete suicides after the surgery because they could not digest their medication.
These made me decide that learning to overcome binge eating disorder combined with gentle exercise is the solution. That is how I lost 75 lbs last year.
The problem is that stress and despair make it hard for me to stick to my goals. Despair is the worst. It is hard to do something on your own behalf when you think the world is essentially burning down around you. You enter a sort of survival mode.
I think the key is for my go to strategies for stress relief to be more healthy for me. That is easier said than done sometimes.
As you might know, I have been insanely anxious this month -- that I might never walk again and about my father’s health. Now that I can walk and my father has to start the long road to recovery from open heart surgery, I feel a bit better. I hope this feeling lasts.
I am still working through the audiobook, "Embrace the Suck," by a Navy Seal. I think there are times when we need to lean into the pain. That is not a popular opinion these days.
Honestly, I need to take care of myself, which means going somewhere warm where there is a swimming pool, plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, and maybe the ocean (ideally). However, for now, my father needs me (albeit not much because he is tough as nails!) But I am his only family in town, so, limpingly, I will be there for him inasmuch as I can.
After he recovers, I plan to go somewhere as inexpensive as possible that will meet my requirements. I have my eye on the Bulgarian Black Sea. I have never been there, but it looks pretty, and prices are quite low.
Downside: I can neither read nor write in Bulgarian. It is a bit easier for me in a Latin country because I have a passing knowledge of French and can usually at least understand half of what is going on.
Then again, I managed to make myself understood in the small village of Klong Yai in Thailand for a month, and very, very few people there know any English at all. I enjoy the challenge of communicating without language and learning a new language.
(I enjoyed it less in Bangkok when I had food poisoning, but the hotel people spoke some English there. Life lesson: don't order delivery Indian food in Thailand -- it seems obvious in retrospect. It was, oddly, some of the most delicious Indian food I had ever tasted, later misfortune notwithstanding.)
I don't know how to end this. I am thrilled that my Dad survived the surgery and seems lucid. I am hoping my knee will allow me to go visit him. Really, that is all. I would love to edit this carefully and insert some brilliant life lessons, but you're out of luck.
No birds this time. Ha ha ha. What an error in judgment that was.
Thank you for reading.
Much love,
Harlow
