A Witch from Failsworth , Manchester, is to be burned at the stake - live - on sky sports (pay per view) on Saturday.
Miss Debbie Grimwold 24, has been named as the witch to be burned.
It's comes as part of the 'Christmas day Special' , which also includes two premier league football matches.
Bet 365 is now taking wagers on any specific player * 'falling over for no apparent reason' (fofnars), during all live games.
*See our earlier reports about FOFNARS for more information ( this is not betting advice).
Miss Grimwold (pictured above) was seen near a tree in her back garden earlier this year (around the end of October), dressed just like this...
The image was given to us by a neighbor Miss Karen McKaren, who's not as good looking as Miss Grimwold . She has several cats and a sociology degree.
Debbie Grimwold cast a spell on the UK's Prime Minster Boris Johnson at the weekend - via a 'tweet spell’.
She was arrested and tried by officers of the newly established arm of the UK police, ‘Tweet finder Generals’.
They spend their time scouring twitter land for ....'spells, curses, and other stuff that comes from directly from the Hammer House of Horror, productions'.
It seems that Miss Grimswold 24, tweeted to Boris Johnson “I wish that you’d stick yer head up your arse, so you can listen to your own shite."
Miss Grimwold was seen several times to be 'out of control with her tweeting'.
'It was always at night time in the back garden', said Miss Karen McKaren. ...'She loved to do it, I was watching her from my window with my sixth glass of chardonnay in my hand - it was like she was taunting me....somehow..'
Only two hours after casting this most evil of spells, Mr Johnson's head did indeed disappear up his own rectum – and only minutes before a press conference was scheduled.
Undaunted by this startling turn of events, he continued on with the televised press conference .
While his speech wasn’t the clearest (due to the uncomfortable cranium/rectal relationships), it seems that journalists couldn't tell much of a difference with what he has to say in normal circumstances.
After the press meeting, he shuffled off stage, and immediately went to hospital to see what could be done to unattach his head from his arse.
A few hours later Miss Debbie Grimswold was arrested under the newly made up law “Tweeting with intent to cause bodily harm."
Miss Grimwswold pleads not guilt to practicing witchcraft, saying “I’m a bloody checkout girl at Aldi's supermarket.
If I was a witch, don’t you think I’d have better things to do with my time than watch the lower socioeconomic strata of society, slowly descend into desperation with every 'bleep' of my price scanner? "
Witch finder general, Mr. Nigel Craig Pillock, said that while they were searching the house of the witch, they'd discovered items that implicated her in being a follower of the black arts.
Mr. N. c .P said, “Her book shelves were lined with books . Hundreds of them - and that's a dead give away.
Many of them were about subjects that only the dark art enthusiasts would have on their shelves.
All the philosophers, history, economics, and science – including one by a certain Aristotle. ...The evidence is conclusive and we had no choice but to arrest her and interrogate her."
Mr Pillock (above) " The only good witch is a smoldering gone..".
Under questioning, she admitted to being a witch and as such, was found guilty of 'Tweeting with intent to cause bodily harm'.
(The charter for Human rights does not extend to witches, so all forms of extracting confessions are seen as acceptable, including body stretching, heat branding, and being made to listen to Noam Chomsky and professor Richard D. Wolff 24 hours a day).
Burning people alive for witchcraft has been shown throughout the ages to act as a deterrent to others - to those who might be tempted to inquire about 'things that they don't know about'.
It 's been well documented that those that like to inquire about 'things that they don't know about', can only be conducted in a safe environment, with expert supervision from those who know what they're on about.
These include university professors, media presenters , big pharma executives, and politicians.
Learning while under expert supervision has been shown to be a proven success - and a way to avoid any kinds of witchcraft, wizardry, and other critical thinking dark arts.
According to Miss Karen McKaren, Debbie Grimwold had several family members gathering together in the garden and 'looked like they were up to something'.
This gathering - complete with unadulterated laughter - caused so much stress to Miss McKaren, that her entire wine rack was emptied over the course of just 45 minutes.
Are your relatives involved in witch craft ?..
Things to look out for.
1/ An interest in philosophy, economics, and history.
2/ A overly enthusiastic interest in speakers such as Jordon Peterson, and other dark magicians.
3/ Books about the dark art of potions, and casting spells .
(These include ‘organic home gardening’, ‘how to pickle foods’, and ‘ how to swallow a red pill’).
All of these are dangerous warning signs that you may indeed have a sorcerer or sorceress in your midst...(colloquially known as 'truthers').
If you think your loved ones may be involved in the dark arts, you can email The Witch Finder General in total confidence to find out more about the best ways to get these people onto the stake, where they belong.
*Anonymity is assured through the latest 'witchfindergeneral' tracking technology - and you can rest assured that you’ll only ever be contacted if they need close relatives to join them in the main witch burning events.
*While they try their best to offer the accuser all the anonymity that they can, due to familial ties with the accused, they sometimes find it necessary to make it a ‘Saturday afternoon, family special’ -where all the family members can be burnt simultaneously.
For the greater good.
Non research has shown that over 96.99% of the time witchcraft is a very commonly, a family endeavor.
So it's far more ecologically climate friendly, and far more efficient , to ‘do a burning’ in one sitting rather than on an individual basis.
Update: It seems Miss Grimswold spell has worn off, and Mr Johnson head has now been removed from his arse.
Mr Johnson said, (upon his rectal emancipation) , that what happened to him could happen to anyone - and by getting the booster shot a soon as possible, it will reduce the chances of you catching a spell from a twitter witch.
When asked if there was any statistics regarding this lie he said that 'He was the expert in having your head up your arse, and that should be enough scientific evidence for anyone - so to trust the science '.
