A Queerphobic Nation And A Little Girl Asking Questions

When I was about nine I approached my eldest brother and asked him straightforward if he's gay. In return, my brother got mad and beat me for an hour with a broomstick. He beat me so badly I couldn't walk afterwards. There were purple marks on my legs for two whole weeks that I needed to wear pyjamas when I go outside.

I didn't talk to my brother after the incident for a whole month until one day he gave me my favorite food and talked to me as if nothing happened. I forgave him and everything went back to normal. Though the question still lingered in my mind like an itch that wanted to be scratched. However, I didn't dare to ask it again.

You see, after my father died my eldest brother was the father figure who raised me. And like my father, he nurtured me with books. At an early age I have read about Dorian Gray, Edmund White and the likes. I learned through them that there's nothing wrong about being different. And beacuse those books were from my brother, I thought we were on the same page. But apparently I was very wrong.

The beating happened again when my brother found out that I told my friends that he's gay. I was so confused back then, he said I was spreading malicious rumors about him. But it wasn't meant to be an insult, I was proud of him for what he is. It was the last beating I received from him, I dropped the notion of him being gay. I respected what he wanted and let it be. And looking back at it, maybe I was just too innocent that time.

My brother was supposed to be a priest; when he graduated high school at 13 he went straight for priesthood but for some unknown reason he dropped out at 17. And that was the reason I told myself why he couldn't be honest about his sexuality. My brother is too religious adding to the fact that we are Filipinos.

To simply put it, we are living inside a queerphobic nation where everything out of the ordinary is being shamed.

And even now that my youngest brother came out as a gay my eldest brother still keeps his secret in the closet. He is morbid about my youngest brother's decision and I thought to myself that's because he is lying to himself. I wanted to tell him that our brother is old enough to make decisions on his own and being gay was never a problem to begin with. But I am keeping my mouth shut, I wanted him to realize it on his own.

On the other hand, I have never hidden the fact that I am Pansexual. If you are not aware what is pansexual, it is connected to being gender blind. I don't really categorize people based on their gender.

I don't have a notion in my head that says: you are a guy, you should be like this or your a girl, you should be like this. And when I love, I fall for the person and not because of his/her gender.

And I don't think there's something wrong about me. It is our society that is faulty, making us follow an invisible set of standards.

My brother may kept his sexuality behind closed doors and I will accept it if that is what he wants. What I don't accept is forcing someone away from what his/her heart desires.

And so, embrace your weirdness. Feel free to be whatever you want to be.

Thank you, peace out! Until next time. ❤️