Having spent much of my adult life around the fields of psychology and human development, the concept of "feeling supported" is one that I often come across.
How do you feel supported?
In a somewhat distant past I was a very active part of many online support groups and niche psychology groups, many of which functioned on a classic "message board forum" format, and one of the things that would often happen was that somebody would appear in a state of distress going "I need support!"
On the surface, I suppose we all have some idea of what support looks like - and what not feeling supported is like - but the interesting thing about the human mind and how we approach things is that "support" is one of those words that has a million different meanings depending on who you ask and what the situation is.
Perhaps you found yourself in a deep conversation with somebody - maybe a friend, or a family member, or even a spouse - and they have said to you "I don't feel supported."
Whereas you likely could empathize, what does that really mean?
Let's Dig a Hole!
To illustrate the scope of "support," I like to use the metaphor of somebody digging a hole. Let's say this person has been tasked with digging a really large hole in somebody's backyard that a friend of theirs is going to put a fish pond in.
As they survey the situation and the vastness of the task and they stand there with their shovel, they think to themselves "I sure hope I get some support in what I'm doing here!"
Of course in short order the person who is having the fish pond dugvshows up and their idea of support is to come up with intricate plans for how to dig a hole.
The neighbor shows up and brings a whole bunch of information on how to best dig a hole without getting injured or growing too tired as part of the process.
Meanwhile, a person from across the street shows up bringing sandwiches because you should definitely not dig a hole on an empty stomach!
A couple of people who have heard about the hole digging adventure come over to spectate and to give lots of encouraging words because in their minds when you're being encouraged you're being supported.
Yet another person comes by and they bring their shovel because it is a new shovel that is ergonomically designed and will help make the job easier.
Meanwhile the person actually digging the hole is down there at the bottom of the hole and in spite of everything we've just described here is not feeling supported!
Why is that?
Well it's because in their mind being supported means other people would also grab a shovel and get in to the beginning of the hole and help dig!
And therein we get to look at the miracle and mystery of communication and the importance of being very clear about what we mean in situations where - for example - we need something like support.
What does support look like for you?
Don't just assume that other people know what it means to support you when you ask for support, and don't charge other people with "mind reading" because they cannot read your mind!
And the dangers of this "mind reading" thing was perhaps one of the most important things I took away from the years I spent as admin and volunteer of some of these online support forums. If you're going to support someone ask questions; if you're asking for support make it very clear what it is you expect when you ask for support!
Thanks for stopping by and have a great Friday!
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Created at 2024-06-14 01:18 PDT
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