Recently, my class did something called “ANONYMOUS”. A link would be posted and people would say their minds or thoughts about other people through that link, anonymously of course. Most times, it wasn't positive thoughts but more of negative thoughts, insults, exposing of secrets, body shaming, lies and whatnots. In this recent one, I was a victim of body shaming. This made me look back on the time when I was a girl with so many insecurities and thoughts of inadequacies. I am slim, some might say skinny. And I haven't filled in all the right places. Some people mistake me for a boy. This has been a source of concern for me for a very long time. I was quite uncomfortable in my skin and always wore baggy clothes, long sleeves just to cover up my skinniness. My family didn't help matters, especially my extended family. When we did our annual family meetings in December, my aunts would comment, “Aren't you eating enough? You are too slim. Eat well e.t.c”. It didn't help that my younger cousins and siblings were already bigger and taller than me. In school, classmates and acquaintances would see me and give a passing remark of how skinny I was. Some would say it was a joke or that they didn't mean any harm, but each remark was like a knife stab. But gradually, I started steeling myself against these words. It wasn't easy. It still isn't. Permit me to go back in time.
When I was younger, I noticed that I wasn't referred to as beautiful or pretty. I didn't command the attention of people or turn heads. This realization hit me when I was ten years old. I had just gotten enrolled in a boarding school, a girls’ only boarding school. At the end of term, each classes held something like a vote. Here, the most popular, smartest, beautiful and stuff like that were put to vote. In a long list of awards like that, I never won one. I was always relegated to the background in secondary school. I was what they would call a ‘wallflower’. Making friends was hard for me. I never thought it would be, but it was. I just never fit and I wondered if it was because I wasn't the ‘most’ of anything. So, I asked myself what my strength was. I realized that I was quite smart, intelligent is a better word for it. Almost all compliments I received was based on how brilliant I was. So, I decided to make the most of it. I studied hard all the time. I read hard and at the end of each session, it showed in my results. But it seemed that brilliance was not essentially recognized by teenagers, so I was still relegated to the background. Outside school though, the academic validation I received from my parents made life wonderful for me. It made me feel ‘enough’. But I wanted more.
So, when I got to university, I decided that along with being smart, I was going to be outspoken. I was going to be known for my confidence. I was never going to let anyone put me down with words of mouth and i was never going to let myself be relegated to the background. I made up my mind that I was going to shine in the areas I was strong. And that is what I did. I carried out this plans and this earned me popularity amongst my level mates. I noticed that people made an effort to include me in projects and plans. I noticed that people made an effort to be friends with me. In any class project, I was always made the group leader or deputy group leader. Through this, I was able to mask the insecurities I felt about my body image. My confidence and smartness helped me cover up for how inadequate I felt regarding body standards.
I indulged myself in posts regarding self-love and self-care. I read wide on articles about how our body image didn't define our worth as humans. I realized that the world, especially the world of social media, would always set biased and high standards on how people should look. Ohh, I also learnt how to shut people up, and I mean people who couldn't get by without passing crude remarks or making mean comments on somebody's physical outlook.
But most of all, I learnt that self affirmation helped too. So, every morning when I wake up, I tell myself, “I am beautiful. I am smart. I am intelligent, I am enough.” I recite this like a mantra all the time. Even though I am still slim as ever, even though people wouldn't stop making harsh comments, even though social media’s beauty standards only accepts those with the right curves and madly pretty faces, even though my crush asked this question sarcastically, “And you think you are beautiful?”, even through all this, I know I am enough. I am enough and to the people out there who are constantly being body shamed, who are insecure about who they are or how they look, YOU ARE ENOUGH!! Do not let anybody tell you otherwise.
