I have to admit that before I didn't write for myself, it wasn't exactly to let off steam or feel better, well, many times I didn't even feel that.
I wrote for you, so that somehow you could know what was going through my mind, what I felt, what I felt for you. I even know that many times you didn't even read them, but I was looking forward to it by chance or someone mentioning what I wrote for you. That never happened.
For so long all the letters that I grouped together to generate texts and texts, that would get bigger and bigger, with an enormous desire to give you a complete book with everything I have written to you, with everything I have written for you.
I better keep them, I wouldn't do anything to give them to you, nothing will change for you, because you always read them with your eyes, never with your heart, you read them and discarded them.
On the other hand, a part of me thinks that maybe I should give them to you, thinks that you really have a heart and soul and could make a space for me in them. That part of me is the same one that has suffered all this time, constantly letting itself down.
In the end, not even this writing is for me, it doesn't make me feel better, I don't feel relieved, on the contrary; I feel more and more drowned.
SPANISH
Tengo que reconocer que antes no escribía para mí, no era precisamente para desahogarme o sentirme mejor, bueno, muchas veces ni eso sentía.
Escribí para ti, para que de alguna manera supieras lo que pasaba por mi mente, lo que sentía, lo que sentía por ti. Incluso sé que muchas veces ni siquiera los leíste, pero estaba deseando que de casualidad o que alguien te mencionara lo que escribí para ti. Eso nunca ocurrió.
Durante tanto tiempo todas las cartas que agrupé para generar textos y textos, que se iban haciendo cada vez más grandes, con unas ganas enormes de darte un libro completo con todo lo que te he escrito, con todo lo que te he escrito...
Mejor me los quedo, no haría nada al dártelos, nada cambiará para ti, porque siempre los lees con los ojos, nunca con el corazón, los lees y los desechas.
Por otro lado, una parte de mí piensa que tal vez debería dártelos, piensa que realmente tienes un corazón y un alma y podrías hacerme un espacio en ellos. Esa parte de mí es la misma que ha sufrido todo este tiempo, defraudándose constantemente.
Al final, ni siquiera este escrito es para mí, no me hace sentir mejor, no me siento aliviada, al contrario; Me siento cada vez más ahogada.
I say good bye until my next post, greetings, your loving friend Luisa.
Me despido hasta mi próximo post, Saludos, su querida amiga Luisa.
