This is me, typing away from the comfort of my dorm bed, trying not to sulk or wallow in self-pity because my friends are out and I’m not. Not because they didn’t ask me to come with them, no, they in fact begged me to come with them, and I said no, because I didn’t have any outfit to wear.
If this is true or not, I can’t tell. But I know that if I were determined to go, I would have whipped an outfit up. But this is me sulking because the thought of searching for what to wear had physically drained me (as always), and I just cancelled the entire outing on my end. Now, I type and try not to look at the dress in front of me that I bought on a whim this evening and that has practically left my bank account in shambles.
What am I saying? I love to be outside more. In my head and in my dreams, I’m a more outgoing Tessa. The party doesn’t start till I step into the room because I’m lively enough to be the life of a party. But I’m the type to just gaze admiringly at those that bring in the vibes and the noise so unashamedly, while I sit at the corner and wish I was that liberated. That’s on the painfully few times I’m ever at such setting, though.
In my head, being outdoors is my sphere. I am in my moment and enjoying the vibes and the noise and the people all about me, not zoning out and fantasizing about the peace I’d have once I’m back on my bed, doing nothing than just being there. I’d tell my girls with me at the restaurant that from there, we’re heading to a concert or maybe a club, and we’ll dance the night away with margaritas in hand and the bliss of youth in mind, not constantly sighing and muttering, “I’m tired, when are we going home?”
In my head, I can easily go out because finances are not the issue. If I don’t think I have the right outfit, I can easily order for it no matter the price, and I can go to the best places because I’ve got the means. Staying indoors would be more than a personality, it would be a choice. I stay indoors, not because I can’t afford to be outside doing whatever I want, and eating whatever I like, but because I choose to be indoors.
In my head, I’m living my best life. I’m not living vicariously through videos and pictures of my friends on their WhatsApp status, and wondering why I’m not out there with them instead of just watching from my room. I love being indoors so much because it keeps me grounded. My room makes me happy. Being in my own space has this fulfilling effect to it. Which is why whenever I write out my goals, I always add – To have my own space, furnished to my taste and filled with the scent and bliss that is Tessa.
But now, I’m wondering if that’s what I really want or I’m conditioned to think like that because I don’t just have the ability. Not mentally and certainly not financially. I didn’t think I’d feel like this when I wrote the Hive Naija Prompt, but now I’m happy I did because how then would I have been able to write this reflective piece? Seeing ahead, ehh? Lol.
Anyway, I love being an indoor girlie. I adore all I've learnt and experienced and even avoided just by being indoors. It’s fulfilling being able to find that much satisfaction in yourself and in your space. You’re so innately creative and entertaining that you don’t get bored with yourself. You’ve enriched yourself and your mind so deeply that you enjoy and relish your own company. So yeah, I love that I find myself that interesting.
But in my head, maybe in the future or maybe in another life, I’ll be the opposite. Just for the plot. Just to experience how it feels like to be out there. Whenever that happens, I’ll do well to keep you guys updated. For now, it’s back to awwnn-ing and woah-ing at people’s status. Little Miss Outdoors...In my head, lol.
Jhymi🖤
Images are mine.
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