The last day of my sweet 20.
It's nothing special.
At least, I am glad of one thing that there are less people like me, to whom birthdays are just another day, coming and passing by with a simple hello.
Though for some reason, I am being rather nostalgic, wishful, and perhaps a little dejected that it is nothing special. That no one is celebrating, no one is waiting, no one is anticipating, neither any one is excited over this one day out of 365 usual days.
I have always been reserve of expressing myself. I cannot assert for certain whether it is my surroundings, my life, and my catastrophic reality or is it that I am just simply incapable of it. However, that made me only lonelier, eventually building my shell stronger and even harder for me to break in!
I have become awesome, cool, amazing, regardless my all the hindrances my family, society, culture, tradition, country put me through and still do everyday.
And thus, now that I have build an image, it is harder to break.
Is it because I am unwilling to disappoint everything or anyone?
Or is it because I am scared of taking a step forward to the unkown and building up expectations towards my fellow friends, benevolence, acquaintance.
Well, as I know the better, none of that is the reason.
People say, I am too hard on myself, I am too reserved, I am too cautious. That, I should learn to depend on people, I should ask for help, I should stop overthinking and just say whatever I want to say.
And yet, if I smile at them and ask eagerly, that where to depend, or whom to seek for help or ask to listen to me; no answer would come eventually.
Everyone with a budgeted life is always struggling and if that is a woman, her struggle is more than the scale is required.
No!
I am not glorifying women and belittling the efforts of men have to put everyday, however, the world is designed in this way, so it cannot be helped!
Uhh...I thought I will just talk about my hopes and dreams beyond logic and yet, ended up talking and defending every other thing.
It has become normal to be in agony, despair, loneliness, or distress, and still smile saying "I feeling absolutely fabulous today, excited to start the new day".
It has become normal to say "I am always alright and always living a wonderful life" regardless the misfortunes, hardships, bumps on every bleeding turn of life.
It's easier not to show, not to express, not to complain, not to desire, not to demand, not to spoil.
Everyone sighs of relief when someone is not doing any on that while being there for themselves to express all that instead.
Well, I guess, it is fine. Life goes on, going on.
29 years are gone just like that.
Birthdays do make people feeling all mushy-washy I assume.
It's okay to not to be okay and express it once every year, is it not?
Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to one of the most wonderful women.
Happy birthday to one of the most beautiful souls in the earth.
Cheer up, young lady!
More 29 to go!
And I love you the most.
And suddenly the song of Keane (Somewhere only we know) has got me all emotional and agonizing desire throwing me in a loop of-
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
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