Hello, there my Hivean friends! It’s been a while again, but I finally feel ready to come out of the little cocoon I’ve been rolling up for the past months. Since last year, I’ve been on a self-discovery journey and, if you have followed me along so far, you probably know I like to go deep and I tend to think and reflect on stuff and the why’s of this life.

Over the last 6 months or so, I’ve been going even more profound with working on my past/childhood trauma through the work of Irene Lyon. A wonderful discovery I’ve made here on Hive through my even more wonderful friend @consciouscat, who introduced me to Irene's youtube channel _{(note to self - I think Caroline is going to like this post, in particular, heheh 😁)}

Therefore, today's post is a little tiny sneak peek of what’s going on through my mind and why I’ve been so resistant in writing as I used to be.

I remember to this day the first video of Irene I saw on Youtube. It sparked a sensation inside of me that until this day I can’t quite describe it _{(note to self - or maybe I don’t have the capacity to feel it yet)} . At the time, I was going through the middle of my depression recovery and it felt like the missing link. The thing that I wondered so so many times - why did I get to this point?

I had everything most people dream of. A roof over my head, a job I love doing, a loving boyfriend, family and friends who love me. I craved a reason for my depression, something that I could pinpoint and say - this lead me to that. I guess sometimes I can be extremely rational, especially with my emotions _{(note to self - yes, I see the ambiguity there 😅)} . I found myself failing over and over throughout my therapy sessions with my psychologist and there was a point that I kinda accepted that there was no reason at all.

Until Irene crossed my path….

After watching a couple of videos from Irene, I suddenly stopped exploring. Probably the way my nervous system was wired and acted out to keep me safe. Because it knew it would bring me a lot of intense feelings - to say the least. I realise now that I was not ready for them, I had zero capacity to truly feel myself.

So, after a while, maybe like 4 months ago, I returned and watched a couple more. I can’t describe what changed in myself really, probably some encouragement from my dear friend @consciouscat again on a random comment 😆 _{(note to self - I definitely have amazing friends 🙏)} .

Something just clicked and I started to do some of Irene’s neurosensory exercises, mostly orienting in space, feeling my body with all its sensations and following my impulses. It sounds so simple writing them in this way… But damn, was I in for a treat….

_{The quiet and beautiful place to think I found for myself today}

I will now describe two of the most intense release responses that came out of these exercises followed by the good and healing that came out of it. They may sound very weird if you don’t understand Irene’s work so in case you want a little context, I suggest this and this video.

• The ugly

Through the orienting exercises, I found out that I felt extreme fear when becoming aware of my surroundings, especially when I was at home. It was so confusing at the time because I thought home was my most safe and happy place (and it is).

So why the hell did I feel so threatened?

I needed to take a step back and I started really slow by just becoming aware of my body and its sensations, without paying much attention to my surroundings yet. It’s truly amazing how the capacity to truly feel increases over time, although very subtle. Bit by bit I started to feel more comfortable exploring the environment until the point that that extreme fear from the beginning was no longer present, only a natural curiosity and even playfulness.

So one day, I was on my couch and started to do this mindfulness and orienting exercise and a strangle and very INTENSE bubbling feeling was starting to come up in my throat. I felt safe so I stayed with that feeling until the most unexpected thing happened to me - a memory came up into my head.

A little flash pooped into my head, I was probably 3/4 years old and I was crying my brains out, don’t know why. I then felt the physical struggle of having to swallow and stop my crying because I was being yelled at by some adult that if I didn’t stop crying I would be spanked some more. So, like the “good girl” I was I stopped.

So that day, at 28 years old, that uncompleted crying finally come out of my nervous system and I started to cry my brains out right there on the couch. Like a child.

• The bad

The other one happened in my car when I was driving to work. Again, I started to feel a bubbling sensation in my throat. This actually happened before the one I mentioned above, and the feeling was also intense but not quite the same. This time I felt I needed to open my mouth and yell. I was so glad I was in my car because, in any other environment, I would never have felt safe enough to let out that type of screaming.

I opened my mouth and the word NO came out. I was yelling at the top of my lungs for like 1 minute straight. Then some more crying happened only this time, it was deadly silent. I was so surprised with myself because I never yelled that loud before. I didn’t even think I had it in me. I always had a low voice and whenever I am in a crowd or a noisy coffee shop people can’t usually hear me. Voice projection is definitely not my strong trait. But this time, oh if it was!

• The good

On both occasions, I felt so much lighter afterwards. It was not traumatizing at all and some things about myself started to make sense after that. I noticed a couple of interesting things. First, both of these intense body sensations were localized in my throat area. Only one of them came up with a memory and I have a feeling there is also a memory trapped from that yelling moment. My gut feeling tells me that I don’t want to remember it and I think I don’t need to heal.

After this, I realised so many things about me finally make sense. My difficulty establishing boundaries with others, my struggle with confrontations either at work, in relationships or in saying what I want, and my deep sense of shame whenever I try to sing, talk loud or even do sounds with my body…. They are all related to sound and they are all related to my ability to speak and move air into my throat and vocal cords.

I now notice very subtle changes that make me very happy. Nowadays when I sing _{(note to self - very poorly I might add)} , there is no longer a deep sense of shame, only awkwardness. When I speak up my voice sounds clearer and a bit louder. It’s not so hard anymore to say what I want to others nor to speak up when I don’t agree with something. Finally, I’m able to say no more often when I need to without the deep feeling of guilt afterwards.

I feel so happy to write! To let the words flow once again without imposing on myself or establishing limits. I think in the last months I felt the need to maybe protect myself. Or maybe I was just so confused that it took me a while to make sense of things the way I was able to explain them here today.

I also feel that most of the things I’ve talked about today will be lifelong discoveries and improvements as it is very easy to return to the previous wired behaviours. The truth is that this unhealthy old wiring feels very natural and comfortable. I found out that, oddly, it’s when I try to be authentic in this world that I feel uncomfortable and out of place.

Lastly, in this line of work, there is no such thing as snapping your fingers and being healed. One has to do the work and bit by bit gain the ability to become more authentic. I’m grateful that I feel much lighter, much wiser and more importantly, much more ME!

Thank you for bearing with me this far and for reading my journey 🙌.