Good heavens do I NOT want to look back at 2024 - the year I spent gaining 14kgs by eating cake under my duvet to escape reality? I definitely need to thank my incredible husband person, @zakludick for being there for me every step of the way, even when I felt unlovable.
I felt like my depression was drowning me and I still do, but I'm fighting through with some positive things. Posting and sharing here really helps.
Right, well, where do I start in summarizing 2024?
We lost Mittens and Chai who were only a year old. 1 year apart. That kind of pain wasn't fair on us and was a tragic end for two beautiful little souls. The heartbreak was unbearable. It seemed to hit @zakludick the hardest. It would seem I have successfully converted him into a cat dad.... but that does come with consequences. :( ..... <3
I tried to stay away from adopting another cat, but then I saw this helpless little thing that no one wanted. Cally was a foster-to-adopt. I wanted to keep her. She was so dirty with car grease and her ears were terribly burnt and swollen. Her tail had been broken somehow. In the three months we had her though, we nursed her and loved her and she turned into such a lovely cat.
Unfortunately, only towards humans though. She attacked Squeek and Lexi so viciously that they both hid in my room, not even wanting to eat or go to the litter box. Cally grew very fast and our cats are naturally just very small. It was heartbreaking, but I had to give her back to the foster organization.
I felt like I failed her. I suppose in some way, fixing her was supposed to help me fix myself... I was devastated when we put her in the cat box when she left. I couldn't even look as they left. What had I condemned her to? The worst thoughts crossed my mind. I finally heard, two days ago, that she has found her furever home and I am so grateful.
Life does tick on though, whether we want it to or not, and a lot of healing actually took place for which I am most grateful. Most importantly, my mother's last visit healed years, perhaps decades of trauma, miscommunication, and misunderstanding of each other. This is sadly, what estranges so many family members from each other all over the world. I am so grateful that my mom and I finally put down our swords and let down our walls and truly let each other in. She's all I've got now. She's all that's left of my biological family and she turns 75 this year. I can't imagine what I would do if something happened to her. I don't know how I would handle it. At least my passport is ready, I suppose. She is STILL nursing, very active, and finds joy in whatever she can, despite her pain and trauma. She has been creating these beautiful pastel drawings of animals lately. She's always had a gift with watercolour and I love that she is getting adventurous with her subjects and media.
I am unfortunately experiencing a massive creative dry spell. I suppose it's not surprising but it's frustrating and sad that I can't express myself at the moment. I did, however, restring a guitar and made a YouTube video out of it... so I'm trying...lol?
This reconnection with my mother led to another big hurdle that I have been avoiding. I was still reeling from my dad's death, the loss of my career, my permanent injuries, and the loss of my uncle. I knew it was an enormous mountain of emotional damage to work through and I will never get closure as my sister has completely written me off. The loss of my sister has been indescribably painful. It is almost impossible to process the "death" of someone who is very much still alive. She was my compass, my cornerstone, my foundation, my everything and I lost her over a misunderstanding. I thought we could talk it out... I thought we could fix it... like we always have, but she's made it painfully clear, in black and white, that she wants nothing to do with myself or my mother.
As painful as this was for me it must have been unimaginable for my mother. She and I are both still struggling to let go, although we made progress together while she was here.
Eventually, after my other left, I opened my heart and let the floodgates roll open. I spent two weeks in the fetal position crying uncontrollably. It was actually brought on by the series Arcane on Netflix where two sisters become estranged in a violent dystopian world.
artwork by Aime Ludick
Back to the loss of my career/ job:
It just blew me away how cruel people could be when they see you are hurting.
I am not the fighting kind and I spent most of 2024 recovering from 2023's legal battles with previous employers. I am not a fighter. I mean, I am a formidable opponent if put to task - especially in situations like this - and it hurt me deeply that the people I trusted lied to me. And how easy it was for them to be dishonest and cruel.
I decided to put my job hunting on hold as I seem to keep falling into the same trap of being hired by narcissists. I recognize red flags immediately and because of my time spent in hospitality, being absolutely abused and wrung dry, I just say to myself, well I've dealt with worse, I can handle this and that... But I realize I deserve better than to cope with abuse anymore.
As far as my physical health goes, I am now, at least, on a weight loss regime, thanks to my mother who is sponsoring this very expensive treatment. Ozempic or samelgutide is still a very new and controversial treatment and I was honestly terrified that we were wasting our money.
But I have seen significant results. In my first for weeks on the 0.25 dose, I basically averaged a kilo down per week with zero side effects.
I've now moved up to the next level which is 0.5mg and I'll be entering my third week. This time I have had unpleasant side effects. Even the smell of coffee makes me nauseous. It reminds me of morning sickness. I even have the exhaustion. No, I am definitely not pregnant! Oh my God, I would never cope with that now. I also haven't seen any improvement on the scale, although my cm loss has been great overall.
Some unexpected results of the Ozempic treatment have been massive improvements in mobility and strengthening of ligaments, leading to massive improvements in stability, which I have been struggling with for years now. I managed to mess it up though by slipping in the bathroom and causing what I think was a cartilage tear in my right knee. This is excessively painful, but it is slowly coming right with rest and patience.
Could ozempic be some kind of miracle drug? I'm not sure and I am monitoring myself closely as well as keeping up to date with the latest research, which seems to line up with my findings.
As far as finding my feet and trying to find a job and improve my education,
I am, however slowly, making improvements in my life, which will hopefully lead to reaching goals and perhaps even looking at a new career path. I have started studying digital marketing and I am absolutely loving it. Whether I use this for my own business or in a new job, I believe this is the way forward for me. Next, is studying AI and getting acquainted with chat GPT before I get totally left behind.
My kids, of course, help me to get out of bed every day and press forward. I have to lead by example right? And that means I can't give up. Even if I really really want to, I can't. Otherwise, I am as much of a failure as a parent as my father, and that terrifies me.
Some days it feels like we are getting nowhere, but then all of a sudden we see massive changes in them. Sometimes it's gradual and sometimes it's so fast that if you don't watch closely you'll miss it!
I missed taking pics of them on exactly the 1st day of school this year, but look how they have grown! This "before" picture was taken about a week before I fell.
So here's to 2025 and my entrance to my 40s <3
