I stumbled upon the Memoir Monday initiative by @ericvancewalton after randomly reading a post by someone here on HIVE a couple of days ago. I thought it would be fun to participate, though I admit I have some reservations because the question is a bit too personal for me. We're already in week 9, but this post is my attempt to answer the question from week 8.
If you had the chance to do it all over, what would you do differently?
I thought long and hard about this question even though I know precisely what I want to write about, I must exercise caution regarding what I share publicly here, as it has the potential to be misunderstood.
Looking back, there are two things I wish I could have changed if I had the power to do so. But let's just talk about one and leave the other for another time.
So here goes...
I long to change my upbringing, hoping for my parents to have been more attuned to my needs beyond the surface. Please understand, that I hold my parents in high regard; they are truly wonderful individuals who always meant well. However, they were shaped by their environment and culture, unable to offer what they were unaware of.
As a latchkey child, I frequently found myself alone, tasked with navigating both my surroundings and the complex emotions that accompanied them. Despite having ample freedom to explore, I ironically lacked the necessary space and encouragement to truly express my authentic self. Constant comparisons with my siblings, disregarded feelings, invalidated needs, criticism, and an overarching sense of never being good enough characterized much of my upbringing.
Years of trying to raise myself have resulted in the development of relentless Avoidant Attachment trauma wounds, which profoundly impact my adult relationships. I harbor a deep mistrust of people, keeping them at arm's length because the fear of potential hurt looms large; after all, people always seem to leave.
Moreover, this trauma extends its reach into my creative pursuits. Notice how I gravitate towards drawing portraits rather than abstract art? This preference stems from the necessity to dig into emotionally raw and vulnerable spaces to access my imagination and express creativity fully. However, my emotional disconnection hampers this process, leaving my art feeling inauthentic. Drawing portraits, on the other hand, feels simpler as I merely replicate what I see, avoiding the need to dig deep into my emotions.
Deep down I know I need professional therapy but it's out of the question when I often find myself scrapping for a living. However, this doesn't mean I simply sit back and lament my situation. For several years, I've been actively educating myself (attending counseling and workshops, reading books) and using that knowledge to climb out of this dark pit. The journey is long and challenging, but my commitment to healing remains steadfast because I firmly believe in a God who can move mountains; and to Him, my issues are merely molehills.
One of my motivations to continue learning and improving is to become a more effective parent to my children. I have already noticed the unintentional damage my own dysfunctions have caused them, which I deeply regret. However, I believe it’s not too late to improve our relationship as long as I remain diligent and apply what I’ve learned.
Do I harbor any bitterness towards my parents or early childhood caregivers for the disconnection and pain they caused? Honestly, I did for many years, but I have since resolved these feelings in my heart. I came to understand that they never intended to harm me and were simply acting within the limits of the knowledge and resources available to them at the time. Furthermore, as an adult, I recognize that while I can't change the past, I do have the power to shape my future.
That's it for now. If you read this far, thank you. I appreciate it so much! Kindly give me a follow if you like my content. I mostly write about making art, life musing, and our mundane yet charming family life here in Klang Valley, Malaysia.
Note: All images used belong to me unless stated otherwise.
Thank you for visiting and reading my post. I hope you like it!
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