Ever since I moved back to my city, I've been constantly and greatly exerting some effort in trying to be social or say, in signing up for some activities, group hobbies, or whatever I can find in this urban jungle. I don't even know why I do this, I feel like this is just for me to justify Me being here and that I have no more reasons to be a diabolical and misanthropic cave dweller (that's my 3 labels in one lol). The other day, I actually went to two gyms (for boxing, dance classes, etc.) and was actually about to sign up for a costly membership. They made me try the class that day to see if I like it and I just felt uneasy. I wanted to leave the room straight away (like a feral cat so afraid of humans!). And for no reason at all other than my crippling social anxiety and paranoia. I do know that people don't care about me at all but my mind is telling me otherwise. Like they hate me or want to mob me or something. So I didn't finish the dance and just went straight to the receptionist (just because I was polite enough that day not to literally run away and ghost these people lol) just to tell her that I won't be signing up. The fact that they were only being friendly and nice to me because they will probably make some commissions off me added to anxiety. I got out of the place immediately and felt hopeless. I know some philosopher told me that I suffer more in my imagination than in reality. But hey Seneca, I just can't help but avoid and ghost people or I will suffer more.
I think my years of isolation on the island, piled up bad experiences, unresolved issues, grief, and basically trauma with people just totally altered my behavior. I think I am doomed to dislike people and not to belong. I used to have thick skin and able to move on without constantly ruminating and overthinking. I used to be able to make friends that easy. Hell, I even used to travel, like a lot, even meeting people nonstop. But now look what I've become. Right now I'm just following the self-help books and what most normal people would say - to go out of my way to make a change in my lifestyle and form meaningful connections. So I thought that I'd rather spend my money on these social hobbies than pay for therapy. But now it looks like I probably need to spend money on therapy before I can do anything. Because right now, I can't do anything, with people.
I think all this has still something to do with the death of my friend. Here I am still trying to chase his replacement. We all know that it doesn't work when we force things into our lives. Signing up for a social hobby feels like a dating app to be honest. For someone who is sensitive, socially anxious, and deeply traumatized, it feels so frustrating. It's like rejecting an activity one after the other just because I feel insecure being with other people. And the more I try to exert an effort in finding a bff replacement or human connection, the more I end up with the wrong people. The more I feel depleted, frustrated and tortured by my own imagination. Don't get me wrong, I don't have enemies (they are just demons in my head), people irl actually like me. Men like me. Women like me. Black cats love me. But then somehow when I feel like someone is starting to get close to me, I feel insecure and unsafe. And so I bail. I block them. I ghost them. Most of the time, I leave without an explanation. It is bad I know and I don't know any other way. And if I'm being honest, this has been my pattern for the last couple of months. So yeah, I confess, I am a serial ghoster (at least not a serial killer tho). And if you're still with me, then I must like you as a person and that's rare aww.
I even vented and posted on Reddit because I thought I had more audience there but then again, I just ended up with the toxic crowd of trolls and unhinged internet people. As I see it, the more I become desperate of curing my loneliness and grief, the more I get disappointed with who or what I end up with. Like I said, every effort to socialize or engage feels like a dating app. Fear of rejection is real. Fear of not being good enough is real.
I used to think that it must be hard to raise your own kid (human kid btw black cats don't count!), have a family, and all that serious stuff. It must be hard to sacrifice yourself and take care of others. People used to tell me that I only have myself to take care of and I should not have any worries or problems in life. Now I realize it is actually harder to take care of yourself. Because deep down you really just want to go with the natural tendency to degenerate, isolate, and fall especially when you're alone and lonely, like drink a lot, eat a lot, sleep a lot, do drugs and all that just to cope with the pain of existence, and yet you know, here I am, going against the flow and still taking care of myself no matter what. Exercise, eat healthy food, talk to people, sleep, y'know all that self-care shit they tell us. But damn, it can be exhausting. I didn't realize it is actually hard just trying to live for yourself. Too much freedom. Boredom makes you think.
There's money consideration as you know and it sucks. These days I actually have to choose how I should spend my money - I wish I don't have to tho but that will be boring right? If that is the case then I will have rich people's problems which is also boring. For ex. just the other day I spent $$$ on books I had to order overseas without second thoughts because 1. those spark joy period 2. those don't give me social anxiety lol. Where as dance club, boxing or gym memberships require me to pay upfront with the risks of me disliking and ghosting everyone lol. I know someone told me to just pay so I have no choice but not to bail but I don't think I can afford to risk some money. I cannot trust my trust issues for this lol.
Anyway, so much for that. I think my resolution for now is I will actually try therapy before I force myself into any of these mingling with normal human activities. Thank Gawd for this job and the medical insurance I learned I can actually reimburse those therapy sessions. I figured I'm actually content or WAS content. I have my job, my books, my cat, my daily pool swimming, Hive, I have tons of things and I don't know why I go out of my way to chase people...when I can be just comfortable by myself. First. For now. And not seek company of other for the sake of company. And so to end this rant,
“To wisely live your life, you don't need to know much
Just remember two main rules for the beginning:
You better starve, than eat whatever
And better be alone, than with whoever.” ― Omar Khayyám
Oh you know just me here ... 😊 getting something that never fails to spark joy. And doesn't give me social anxiety ! lol
