When looking at the crazed, divisive, extremist mobs one sees in the news, I wouldn’t dream of calling myself a feminist. Anyone who follows my blog knows I’m (thankfully) quite far from the “men are jerks/useless” mob mentality, but I suppose I am a feminist, in the truer, older sense of the word. You know, less pink hair sex-strike, and more Virginia Woolf in A Room of One’s Own.
As such, I’ve never understood women who need a partner to define themselves. I’m sure this happens among men, but as I’m not one, I’ll let guys tell their own story. But I see this among women. I have a friend who is ostensibly a girlfriend. I know it’s an awful thing to say, but her entire life revolves around her identity as a girlfriend. I say girlfriend, not partner, because I feel the latter (while more impersonal) bespeaks a certain autonomy.
Like we’re partners, but we each bring our own and carry our own weight. As relationships should be.
I hesitate telling her most of my dating stories, because she is one of those women who think a woman needs a man at all cost. And should shut the f up so she can be in a normal couple, not stick out like a sore thumb. Not overtly, of course. In this post-feminism age, it won’t do to say stuff like that or even think it. But, you know, deep down. She does. So often, when I do share with her about a date or some new guy I've met, she’ll override or dismiss my arguments.
Now, in some cases, that can be good. People like me have a tendency to hermit up, but I’m fairly self-aware and watch myself carefully to make sure I’m not making up reasons to remain in my hermit world. I’m good at spotting if and when I’m sabotaging myself.
My friend doesn’t look at it from that perspective, though. It doesn’t matter if I tell her a man was rude, crass, sexist, calloused or plain weird. I should still give him another shot.
Second chances have to first be deserved, though.
It doesn’t seem like rocket science to me, and I don’t expect a man to do somersaults to “earn” that second chance, but I also don’t think you should automatically overlook red flags or give people as many strikes as they like for the great generosity of being willing to date you.
There's nothing more dangerous in dating than ignoring your gut.
A guy canceled a date the other day, and was quite rude about it. When he noticed I was irritated, he asked, in disbelief, if I was bothered by his rudeness. I said yes. He said, but I really do want to get to know you. Kept saying it, and it took me a minute to figure out how I was supposed to react. I was supposed to be impressed, perhaps even grateful, that this random ass stranger wanted to get to know me.
Yes. That’s how dating works. It’s not an extra effort or “bonus points” on your part. It’s the bare minimum. Now we’re rewarding that?
That’s where people like my friend come in. When you’re desperate to date and be in a relationship, any such bone thrown your way feels like plenty and is rewarded. My friend is someone who would never dream of telling a man he was rude. Unfortunately, she is also someone who puts up with a lot of shitty behavior from her “partner”, on account of having to. I mean, he does do her the tremendous favor of wanting to date her, after all.
I’m not being mean. I think she’s terrific and worth knowing. Obviously. But she doesn’t. So she puts up with this, and it’s women like that with low self-esteem and boundary issues that are muddying up the whole dating scene way worse than sore thumbs like me.
A relationship shouldn’t be a constant uphill battle or power struggle, of course. But neither should it serve as display case for all of your worst behaviors. You don’t owe people recompense for liking or loving you. And what you certainly don’t owe anyone is a reward for simply not leaving you.
A relationship also shouldn’t be the only thing you define yourself by, but it does become that when you don’t take time to become comfortable with your own self. For some women, this can mean living on their own a while, for some it can be solo travel, or mastering a sport, or meditating.
You need to move past that initial uncomfortable barrier when it’s just you and your thoughts and there’s this weird silence. A lot of us chicken out and would do anything to avoid that discomfort. But maybe you need to brave out the silence, so that you can start knowing yourself. Who are you, what matters to you, what your value system is, what you like, what your weird quirky habits are, etc.
Being comfortable with yourself and having your own identity doesn’t just mean keeping yourself entertained while your boyfriend is occupied. It’s actually enjoying being away for a bit, so you can do your shit. It’s valuing your time. It’s enjoying and respecting the things you do for yourself.
But obviously, you won’t be able to enjoy it if you don’t first develop shit you like doing.
It seems to me that a lot of trouble arises from people using relationships in lieu of developing their personality. When actually, the best relationships occur when two developed, independent, uniquely exciting personality come together and coexist. You can’t ask someone to define you by their existence. On normal people, the pressure is too much. The only people who seem to tolerate that kind of pressure are narcissists and psychopaths. They’re alright with you defining yourself as a side character in their story. Because you are, in their view. But is that the relationship you should be aiming for here?
