Post Partum, I've been hearing about this word from someone who gave birth. Read a lot of stories on how they suffered, overcame and others who fell from depression gave up. When I was pregnant, I was pretty much sure I won't be having any issues with regards to this. Well I am a strong independent woman as I believe I am. Yet Definitely I am wrong.
These past weeks, I seldom write a blog as most of the time I am exhausted. My baby was awake in the wee hours so I am always sleep deprived. Free time during the day, I chose to rest as I felt like I'm passing out due to extreme tiredness.
Am I okay? Did I overcome postpartum?
As I shared previously, I delivered my baby unexpectedly via caesarian last June 13 and sadly he was under medication as he had poop already inside my tummy. This results to a five long days of struggle coming back and forth at the hospital for his antibiotics. Just think of it, I was supposed to stay on the bed like a princess yet it didn't happened. I had to get up for the sake of my baby's welfare.
When it was done, it felt like a heavy load was finally lifted upon my shoulder. Finally, I had more time to rest and recovered at home. However, a week later, I rush him to the hospital. He was only two weeks old.
That was the scariest day of my life and one the memory I badly wanted to bury in the past. It was something not worth remembering. If someone had read that blog, I mentioned that I was still waiting for the results of blood culture to determine the cause of dehydration. Thus during the follow up check up to his pediatrician a week after we got discharges I got a good and the same time bad news. There was nothing wrong as per the results actually in all his laboratory test. More on it turns out the mere problem was feeding, he was underfeed. 😭 This made me question myself on how stupid I was, what kind of mother I am? I didn't even notice that I wasn't feeding my baby well. What if the worst thing happened? I probably spent the rest of my life regretting and blaming myself.
This was during the check up, happy that he gained back the weight he lost. Yet he was crying as he always wanted to hold.
Relieved I was as he was okay after the Doctor examined. Yet the next day, he got blister rashes all over his body. Though it didn't look worse, that made me take another trip to the hospital for a check up. 😰
Mrs. Nothing to worry, just apply lotion to his rashes. It will eventually heal., his Doctor says. So, I bought the lotion he prescribed.
Thankfully it works and he got a baby's skin again now. Yes, for the past two weeks he was fine and continued to grow. Yet, those happened in the past months sometimes lingers in my head. It makes me paranoid that I kept on checking everything. Not wanting to miss any red flag that concerns his health. Even his poop!
Not only that, but there are times I wanna curl up on the bed and shout, I wanna cry. I felt so drained, emotionally, physically and mentally. I never thought it would be this hard to take care of a newborn alone.
To be woken up in the wee hours by his loud cry, sometimes I wanna yell at him. Like can't you just shut up and give me peace for a while? He won't stop crying not until I pick him up and give him cuddles or milk.
Yet, staring at his innocent face sometimes giving me cute smiles was enough to bring me back into my senses. That is why I always made sure our room had enough light so I could always see him clearly. To see how small and fragile he is and how he sleep soundly in my arms. Finding comfort as he knows and trusts only one person. No other than me, his mother. Aside from that it was me who brought him to this world. Didn't I wait too long and prayed for years? So indeed he is my responsibility. Nope, don't get me wrong, I am far from complaining, just these emotions that I couldn't explain sometimes. Postpartum blues or maybe it was because of transition from being a career woman to a full time Mom.
My emotions might not be stable all the time, BUT one thing I am sure of is that I will get through it. I won't let this postpartum defeat me as if I will let that happen. What about my little boy? Who will take care of him? So, he is also my motivation to keep going, I know this phase wouldn't last. Everything will be better soon and the husband is going home this December. That is another to look forward and be thankful.
I know ladies could relate to me and if you have a friend who recently gave birth, please have some time to ask how they are. It doesn't mean you saw them happy as they posted in social media they are really are.
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All photos are mine otherwise stated
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