I buried a lot of my childhood, buried it deep so that I would not have to relive what I experienced, during some of that time. There are whole chunks, of that period of my life that I do not remember and I am happy not to, after all, it's the emotions that I needed to find a way to deal with, so that I could finally move past it and really experience life.
For so long, I held a lot of resentment and anger towards my father. For all that he done to me and for the fact that I actually never got to experience what it was like to actually have a father, who fathered me.
How our parents interact with us and with others, is our first lesson in how to interact with the world around us, being a parent is such a huge responsibility, that should never be taken lightly.
But so often, as adults we repeat the same patterns as our parents, in this case a never ending cycle of abuse. Which is exactly what my father was doing, he was repeating what he learnt, what he experienced but to a lesser degree, which really made me think about what he went through as a child.
When you grow up in an abusive environment, you really get the see the darkness that exists in our world. Being able to balance that out with the light, allows you to see the world for what it really is. I was never under any illusion that life was all rainbows and unicorns. I knew about pain and suffering from a young age, as well as all the beauty and magic that exists alongside it.
I immersed myself in nature, my place of safety was amongst the trees and the animals that I met. I was fully aware that I also lived in a place of beauty and wonder, in a way I had a very balanced view of the world. But that revelation did not come to me until later in life.
Not until I learnt to deal with my emotions and change the way in which I viewed my father.
This week, the in wonderful Ladies Of Hive Community Contest, have asked the following question .......
We have all had a person who has helped us grow. Sometimes that teacher taught us with love, other times learning was a challenge. We want you to tell us about that person who helped you in the evolution of your life, it could be a boss, a friend, an acquaintance, a coworker, etc.
So to this question, I answer my father. A person who I once resented and even hated, but now can see how he actually really enabled me to have a very balanced view of the world. A world which is full of light and darkness.
He carried the darkness within him, he still does to this day and unfortunately he has still not found his way to the light, he contains to be consumed by his own rage and hate. But because of him, I am the person that I am.
I have had no issues with embracing the world for what it is, there's so much that I do not agree with, but I have carried the strength to deal with it for a long time now. Everything that is being unveiled, does not come as a shock to me and I feel ready to face it and help it come into the light. So that we can all heal.
It's been very challenging for sure, but what I experienced has equipped me with what I need for the time to come and I have my father to thank for that. Even getting to this stage, where I am able to change my whole mindset abut him has brought me such a huge amount of healing. Which in turn has really showed me the power of thought and how it really can frame our whole existence.
