Marriage has been defined as the union of two people (these days) and this union births a family, has legal, religious and of course social consequences/responsibilities.
I'd have loved to start with, "In.
Africa...", but it'll make things too
broad. Besides I haven't lived in any
other African country and haven't read
anything that portrays the sort of
extremities I'm about to lay out so I'll
stick to what I'm certain of.
In Nigeria, marriage is not just the union of two people, yada yada. It's a life long goal, an achievement, a status, a do-or-die affair, a privilege, and oh I can go on and on but these few adjectives would suffice. As I write this, I've just remembered a foreign movie that I saw, uh I can't quite recall the name, [maybe it's one of the episodes of the series Suits, not sure], in which a woman was told that she could not be promoted at her place of work because she's unmarried. They said, a married woman signifies stability and the ability to take charge of difficult situations as she would in her home. OMG I was pretty upset. The point of this little piece of my memory is to say that it's not only obtainable in this part of the world but I'll stick to my perspective of upfront and knowledgeable experiences.
sorry, if you read me, you'll notice I digress quite often 😫 please try to keep up.😊
Where did I stop? Oh yeah the adjectives. Let me elucidate. Here, when you're married, you're given more attention and taken more seriously than a single, even if more brilliant woman.
Ah of course this privilege thingy is
with regard to women. I'll be more
specific going forward.
Here, when a woman is married she's 'supposed' to put up certain appearances in order to fit in and have certain benefits as a woman, otherwise she's a bad example. Here, a married woman must take her husband's name. Emphasis on must. If she doesn't, oh she's a bad wife, not an ideal woman, insurbodibate, disrespectful, et cetera. Here, a woman must not speak when the men are speaking, what are you even doing in that gathering in the first place? Unless you're a Mrs Okeke then okay, come, but don't be too outspoken, lest you insult the men's ego.
Here, a girl must not be seen talking to a boy, or holding his hands, etc. "Don't have a boyfriend, it's wrong, a sin even". But when it comes time for marriage, you must somehow produce a man. It's funny because this is them glaringly promoting secret boyfriends.
Just a few more "Heres" in order to buttress my point and inform the following text.
Here, a woman should be married before the age of 30, otherwise she's passed her prime and is no longer desirable. Here, a woman must remain in her marriage no matter the circumstances. Cheating husband? "That's the way men are". "Forgive him, pray for him, he'll come around". Deadbeat? Oh you have to endure for the kids, be a punching bag in silence my dear, divorce is not an option, you'll be stigmatised. When you're married, here, you've made it in life. The society teaches that a girl child's ultimate goal is to get married and produce children. Education is not even a necessity but sometimes it's considered a plus, like an edge to getting you a good husband. So go to school, get good grades, study a professional course, (there are only two here - Law and Medicine & Surgery), all so that you can marry a rich husband.
...and that's it for the "Heres". At
least for now.
Thank God for feminism! Quite unfortunately, because of the extremities which families subject their female children to and how below the men the women are supposed to remain even in very trivial matters, feminism isn't what it really is here. The idea of feminism has been so misconstrued so much so that women use it to cloud their wicked and misandristic tendencies.
You hear women say things they don't
really mean like; I don't need a man,
I'm never getting married, men are scum
(legendary 😄, I mean I agree but, women
are scum too. Scum isn't gender
specific), if I got married, I'd never
cook for my husband, I'm not his help,
blah blah, all while not having
experienced a single hurt from a man.
All of that hate and resentment towards men steming from "feminism". Many actually begin to identify as men and would rather be a king than a queen and would exhibit masculinity, striving to strip every man they come across off of his. I mean to be a feminist, you can't be a woman yeah? Women are weak, and whatever else they say. The award-winning writer, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said quite recently;
femininity and feminism have often been seen as being mutually exclusive and so I think for a long time, people felt that to be a feminist meant somehow to reject everything to do with femininity. So you had to in some ways appropriate a man to be a feminist, and I don't think so at all. I think that feminity and feminism do compliment each other. Women should be allowed to have a broad range of what they can be, of who they can be, of how they can present themselves, and so I think femininity is one of those options. And I love femininity".
I couldn't agree more with CNA.
There's an incident that went viral because the woman was a popular gospel artist. She was being beaten up by her husband and she bore it in silence because of course, there's a divorce stigma and there's hardly any avenues for help. She died of all that beating after sustaining severe injuries on one occasion and this is only one story. There are so many more incidences like this, most unreported. As you know, women go through a lot of domestic violence, many, in silence for fear of stigma and discrimination.
It's disheartening that a man is simply a man, married or not, hardly a husband, just a man. But a woman is a wife/Mrs or a Miss first.... In writing, I prefer to go by Ms though. There's no need for anyone to know. I just hope women here can continue to find their voices and stand for what they believe in, stand up against the very negative and sometimes extreme patriarchy that is practiced here, I hope things get better and that women who are privileged to be literate don't continue to spread the nonsense they call feminism and actually imbibe what true feminism is all about.
Oh yeah, just so you get, we've got a huge chunk of our population recorded as illiterate, about 31% or so.
Thank you thank you thank you for reading.
Please feel free to ask questions, I know some sentences may have been vague, please disagree with me too if you're here and you think I haven't portrayed one or two things properly, please add your own experiences too. 😊
Thanks again. Until next time, xoxo.
❤️❤️❤️