An Unexpected Dungeon
It all started with a question that seemed distant from my daily life: are psychopaths obstinated? The question arose because I noticed an attraction to this trait in someone with mild psychopathy. What intrigued me was their "decide and act" attitude, a complete opposite to my natural approach of thinking quickly but hesitating before taking action.
The reflection deepened: Should I learn this obstination? But I soon realized that my life works well without it. However, one point became clear—this trait was repressed in me. It wasn’t that I couldn’t decide and act quickly, but something in my past had caused me to hold it back. Perhaps recovering this repressed part of me was more about overcoming a trauma than acquiring a new skill.
That’s when the pieces started falling into place. Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I learned to stay silent to avoid consequences, like being "kicked out". I repressed my voice out of fear. The result? Today, when I explode in anger, my verbal expression is precise but too sharp—insults and cutting words come effortlessly. I realized that my repression caused a rebound effect: after so long avoiding conflicts, now when I speak, it’s too late to be subtle. My intent in doing so is "kicking out" the person from my life. Of course, this is too much.
This led to the key question: How do I avoid the explosion without repressing again? The answer came unexpectedly—not by controlling the anger at its peak, but by preventing it from accumulating. And the best strategy? Train the interaction as discomforts arise, without waiting for them to turn into anger.
I realized that the best way to do this for me wasn’t necessarily "expressing my irritation," but rather questioning small inconsistencies the moment I notice them, before they grow. By doing so, I exercise the impulse to express myself naturally, without needing an intense emotional trigger to force me to speak. It’s a practice that allows me to maintain control while also recovering the part of me that had been suffocated for so long.
The End of this Rabbit Hole
In the end, the conversation that began with psychopaths and obstination led me to a much deeper understanding of myself. A real rabbit hole, from which I emerged with a concrete strategy for dealing with something that has followed me for years. All because I wanted to better understand the reason behind my attraction to my ex. Now, it’s time to put it into practice.
Exploring the details of myself has proven essential because it reveals the underlying patterns, fears, and desires that shape how I act and react. By diving into these intricacies, I’ve come to understand why I respond to certain situations in specific ways, giving me the ability to make more intentional choices.
It’s not just about looking back at my past but also about reclaiming parts of myself that I had suppressed or neglected. This self-exploration has fostered a deeper self-awareness, helping me break free from automatic responses and move toward healthier, more conscious ways of interacting with the world.
Through this process, I’ve found that it’s not just about understanding who I was, but also about evolving into a more authentic version of myself, allowing for growth and healing.
I encourage you to practice this kind of self-awareness as well—by reflecting on the details of your own lives, you can unlock a deeper understanding of yourself and your actions, leading to more mindful and intentional living. You'll feel cleansed every time you do it.
Also, yes, I already feel less attracted to her.
image https://pixabay.com/pt/illustrations/ego%C3%ADsmo-ego%C3%ADsta-amor-pr%C3%B3prio-7483522/