This is a strange feeling for me. I have always thrived in independence and solitude but things are a lot different now and that makes me a little sad. I haven’t been alone in so long, in the past couple of years, aloneness has become something that I wanted but couldn’t have. Then I got used to having my loved one(s) around and I quite frankly love it. Now, change in view and I don’t know how to act.
I have been hunting for an apartment for a few months now while I lived with a loved one and their family. They are extremely kind and welcoming and I couldn’t be more grateful. A few days ago, it happened that my hunt ended as I found a place. I should be happy. I am happy but also extremely nervous. As much as I’m looking forward to being by myself again, I also dread the uncertainty that comes with spending nights alone again.
I’m glad I’m finally letting it out by writing about it. I can’t really talk to anyone about it because I still haven’t mastered the delicate act of opening up to someone. I also haven’t prayed about it, which is why by my heart feels so heavy. Oh, this little life of mine!
Questioning my confidence is a rare occurrence, but right now I’m riddled with self doubt and anxiety about the future. A good friend once told me that if something makes me nervous, then I definitely should be doing it. Hopefully, at the end of this article, I start warming up to the idea of regaining my independence.
Deep down in my head, I have always felt alone in this world. I have accepted and made peace with that a long time ago because I have never really met anyone who sees and truly understands me. Maybe it’s me and my walls of concrete covered with the most beautiful of flowers, that has refused to let that happen. But, once in a while, I find physical comfort in the company of others; like now.
My life is carefully distributed on two opposite ends of a spectrum when it comes to physical, emotional, and mental connection - I either give up control, completely gone, or I’m clutching tightly to my pearls in hyper vigilance and protection of my precious self.
In this moment, my spirit is reminding me that I am a creature of balance and evolution. I take comfort in that. We are going to be okay, time after time. Besides, I am not in a hurry to feel differently. I was going to say ‘feel better’ but this isn’t a bad feeling, just a little sad one and that’s okay.
When I do pray, I shall ask the universe for a little bravery to embrace this moment, this coming change that I’ve prayed for. I shall ask for courage to believe in myself again, in my ability to take great care of myself. I shall pray for grace to maneuver life with love, swiftness, and abundance of goodwill.
Welp! Looks like I already began my prayer, and in that case: May the Blessings Be.
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