Last Wednesday, I attended another Biodanza session, this time about Pleasure, the theme I myself proposed. It was beautiful in many ways, but the most important experience in it came when the guide asked us to make groups of three people. There were only three men in the session, the rest were women, so each man was accompanied by two women, including the guide herself. The idea was that each participant would lie down on the floor while the other two would caress them gently and respectfully while slowly feeding them small pieces of chocolate. I was second in my group, though my first reaction was to be the last, and as I was receiving the caresses and the chocolate, I realized there was some deep wiring within me that made me put the pleasure of others well before mine. I thought back on all the situations where I didn't get the kindness and love I wanted or didn't allow myself to get them in favor of others, where I dedicated my energy to other people without thinking of my own needs and desires. It wasn't shocking but it was most definitely revealing, I'd never realized that I had this impulse in me until that day.
I've made some pretty harsh decisions in recent years, such as willingly isolating myself from the broader society, disengaging from many friends and temporarily abandoning several activities in order to focus on my spirituality and self-exploration. I got deep into my pain, shadows and emotions while simultaneously expanding my service. I don't regret this and wouldn't change a thing, even if my choices may have alienated me permanently from people who used to love me. However, while that will probably continue to happen naturally as the process goes on, I no longer feel the need to propitiate it on a regular basis. I want to enjoy myself, that Biodanza showed me how little I've been caressed, kissed, cared for, and yeah, I know it's been my design, that it's helped me understand many things and has taught me a lot, but I also know that there's a wound there that I can finally heal. I've worked pretty hard on myself, it's high time I began eating the fruits of all that labor; the funniest part of that is that I couldn't have grown aware of that without the work.
It's impossible to receive if we're not open to it. On Friday I joined one of my Biodanza partners for a chat and she acknowledged my current willingness to do that, and another piece clicked in my head: this is perhaps the main reason why I haven't been producing financial resources or intimately connecting with my sexuality, for instance, because although I've been expressing my desire for that, I was unconsciously still closing myself to it, possibly as a defense mechanism.
Now, after the New Moon in Gemini and so close to the Summer Solstice (my late dad's birthday,) I'm seeing this new opportunity to amplify my pleasure, my joy and delight. I want to do it, to have more fun with everything and everyone, everywhere I go. I'm getting more invitations to take pictures in events and, although I'm not getting money for that yet, I'm making friends, growing my circles and doing something that I love to do. Soon, I'll also start teaching Runes to more people, and I'm slowly getting my requests for readings. Creating my content for social media is increasingly fun as well and yesterday, I decided to rejoin fencing training as soon as I get my full gear. I'm working out and activating my body much more regularly too. It's all better and better each day.
Spiritual work can seem bleak or overly solemn to many people, and I've certainly taken it quite seriously for years, but I don't live a difficult life, I actually find my existence in this world quite wonderful and happy, so let my vibe speak for itself!
