Have you ever had to live with a person who complains a lot, focuses mostly on negative stuff and uses curse words regularly and loudly? Who, on top of all of that, doesn't take kindly to comments on their attitude and reacts poorly when others express dislike about it? If you have, and especially if you currently do, I understand you entirely. One of my sisters is just like that. I was writing these very words, for instance, she was muttering imprecations in the kitchen while tending to her dog and getting ready to prepare food.
It's really hard to learn to deal with something like that, it drains one's energy and generally diminishes the quality of living in any space. In previous posts I've talked about the conflicts I've had with her because of that, some of them fairly recently. At the moment, she rarely addresses me which used to bother me but I now see the blessing in it, because she no longer issues her criticism or tells her "jokes" regarding me openly, and I can mostly ignore her. Fortunately, I've trained myself to acknowledge all of my emotions so I can feel when her comments or her attitude are starting to trigger me. There are peaks, but they happen less and less, and their intensity has declined considerably since last year.
Now, I'm not saying I'm free of sin. I myself was a very aggressive, difficult person when I was in my 20s and earlier. It was only after I began my work on self-discovery seriously that I truly managed to overcome that and today, I'm generally peaceful and silent, only engaging if/when I want to, never holding on to opinions for any reason and taking things a lot less personally. This allows me to empathize with this aspect of my sister's conduct, not just because of our relationship but also because I see her fear, pain and inability to adapt to her surroundings.
So here's how I work with this kind of vibration:
- I first had to learn to detach from her situation, her inadequacy and anger aren't my responsibility and they can't affect me directly unless they're reflecting me something that I haven't resolved inside. This is key, because the people around us, especially those with whom we have a close connection, offer us the best information about our unconscious drives, urges and impulses. If something about their behavior doesn't sit well with us, that's telling us that we're uncomfortable with an element of our own personality.
- Once I understood the things that were triggering me and worked on resolving them, the next step was to not give her any fuel for conflict, resulting in almost complete silence. I only talk to her if I have to thank her for something or inform her about a practical matter in the house. Otherwise I just let her be, even when she's in her yelling mood. The rest of the time I just close my room's door, put on my headphones or take a walk.
- Finally, I managed to get past the attitudes and words and truly get a sense of the feelings she was experiencing: anxiety, uncertainty, sorrow, disconnection, disappointment. She and her husband have been apart for years since he's living in the United States, trying to build something so they can live together there at some point (that's their plan, at least.) She also misses my brothers dearly, hasn't gotten over the deaths of my parents and many other losses and isn't working or doing anything productive with her time, all of which translates to depression, declining physical and mental health and an intensification of her tendency to impose rules and control things. I can't help her with any of that, she won't even confide in me, but knowing it ensures that I can move aside and not let it weigh me down.
All of this is only possible and necessary because of the love between us. I wouldn't go to such lengths with almost anyone else and probably wouldn't have to, anyway. I can walk away from any relationship that might be more trouble than it's worth, or not develop a connection at all in the first place. That's also one major teaching of this process with her, she's the most difficult person I've ever met and learning how to deal with that while keeping my cool basically prepares me for anyone else that might come, much like living in Venezuela has prepared me for pretty much anything I might encounter in other countries in the future.
If you find yourselves in a similar situation with someone you know, work on your compassion, try to understand the real reasons why they act the way they act and do the things they do, no matter how abusive they might be, because it's not a coincidence that you've met them in this life. Everyone's a teacher, everyone can help us improve, we just have to be open enough to learn.
And of course, if you realize that you're the ones who are difficult, as I did years ago, then be compassionate with yourselves as well, identify what you're dissatisfied about and why you're projecting it on others. Respect begins with us, we can't impose it or demand it, but we can provide it willingly, first to ourselves, then to the world.
Rune of the Day: Hagalaz
That which you refuse to leave behind will go all the same, accept this fact and your heart will have more peace. Tranquility amidst chaos is not only possible but necessary, reaching it implies abandoning any desire for control; the hurricane wind destroys that which fights back and clings but boosts that which rises. Just like the mighty river takes those who surrender far, use the strength of the circumstances for your benefit, read the pulse of the changes and adapt, leave great room in your designs for improvisation, detailed and elaborate plans tend to fail now. Do not submit to the demands of other agencies or respond to external urgencies, only you have the right to set conditions on your space and your time.