I've been noticing some patterns that I've never considered. Words that I say which limit my possibilities, both sustained and sustaining equally limiting trains of thought. For instance, I was invited to an event in August and at first, I was doubtful to confirm attendance because it's two months away and also because I still have issues with money, but I realized that I was just raising a wall unnecessarily, so I said I would go. In another case, I'd agreed meeting a couple of people on Saturday but Friday was filled with rain, so at night, I told them I hoped we could meet even though I most certainly wanted to meet and did, despite some light rain that day.
These patterns are everywhere, they're quite subtle and, like small pebbles or micro-landmines on the road, they disturb the flow of events, restricting my perspectives and enjoyment. There's an old proverb that goes:
"For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the message was lost.
For want of a message the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail."
One seemingly irrelevant detail can cause huge problems later on. Now that I'm noticing these pebbles, I can take them off the road to improve the flow of my progress. They've probably been there for my entire life. It's an interesting work, because it's no longer about the big picture, the big changes, the big impact, but about the tiniest things, easier to miss but also easier to deal with once found. And this isn't just about the negatives like the examples I gave above, it's also about the musts, the shoulds, the have tos. We tell ourselves we have, must and should do this or that, we set standards, schedules, methods, plans. We tell ourselves that if we follow these things, we'll be happy, effective, productive, useful, loved. Ironically, their very existence might be what keeps us from living how we want to live.
Yesterday, I finally narrated my first roleplaying story in seven years. It was great to be back and the players enjoyed it, but most of what I had prepared could've been ditched in favor of a more fluid narrative, as the characters involved made decisions that forced me to change some developments. This is the same feeling that I have now with these revelations, the structures, pipelines and maps are a nice support in theory, but a couple of details can bring them down pretty easily. As in the game, life should be more open and allow for more transformation. The fun thing is that I've never been much interested in plans in everyday life, I usually live by the day and adapt pretty quickly to new contexts or ideas, an important attitude to have in a country like Venezuela, where even the most basic things may not be guaranteed (as is the case of water supply in my building right now, for example); however, for some reason, the few times I've created a roleplaying session for an event, I've ended up trying to overcontrol the pacing and having to change things on the fly all the same. This prompts relevant reflections for me.
One loose screw, that's all it takes to cause a delay or malfunction in a system, the more precise the system is designed to be, the more it'll suffer from that one screw. So now, I'm set on finding those pebbles, landmines and screws, remove the stoppages and barriers, set up better bridges and wiring. I strongly suspect this is the true reason why I've had my resources limited in all this time: a compulsive simplification of sorts that increases the transparency of the process so that I can readily identify these small issues and apply the necessary correctives.
It's all down to what I think I deserve, what I assume is meant for me, what I tell myself that I require. Words, thoughts, feelings, choices. In this moment, when I'm expanding my range of action and embracing a bolder approach to society and spirituality, this is exactly the kind of task that I can tackle to make things better at all levels, now and in the future.
