Before going thirty and before I am truly ready to settle down, I have an important mission in life.

That important mission is to untangle all of my toxic and red flags beliefs that while it can be a positive trait, too much of them can be a double edged sword. These beliefs came from my upbringing that stems from trauma of the people who raised me. It’s then projected on to me and now, I am a by product of those. Well, except, I recognized it and decided to untangle those.

One in particular that is still challenging to my brain is to accept and ask for help.

What’s wrong with asking for help? What’s wrong with accepting help? There’s really nothing wrong at all. People do that all the time. There’s all sorts of ways to do that and even reframe the way to do it. One can simply replace help with favors, you name it.

However, in my brain accepting and asking for help are two deep flaws. It’s like when I do that, I would rather be dead than alive.

I’ve been questioning a lot if I complicate my life all these years based on those core beliefs I had. I don’t always bask in glory, comfortable, and my fridge is full. There are days when I barely make ends meet and I wished I could beg for help/ask for it around, after all that’s what family and friends are for, right? They should be around when you need help and vice versa. I don’t typically count tabs on the favors I did but when you’re desperate, somehow that flashback memory of me helping them comes around.

I’ve also built a life where I minimized help. I swear, if being a medical practitioner doesn’t need a license and years invested, I could learn that. After all, I did learn pharmacology and neuropharmacology briefly for fun.

The need to rewire comes because my life has been challenging me to step out of my comfort zone. It is challenging me to rewire all the seemingly good things that I have in excess. Life is also telling me to change my ways of living and truly improve it. One being, requiring me to toy with the word “Help”.

When I first asked for help, I felt like I was a subhuman.

Each time I’ve asked for help, I felt like I was a subhuman. I felt like I didn’t deserve to live which also contributed to my long life isolation that I felt I wasn’t worth living too. In my brain, for the longest time, I always felt like those who ask for help lack dignity and intelligence.

My parents always taught me that beggars are subhuman. They repeated words like, it’s better to give than take/ask with an emphasis that they disdain beggars. Once it is repeated when you’re a child and in your teenage days, it sticks enough as a core belief.

Funnily enough, they aren’t all perfect. They ask for help a lot and have their families bailing them for the mess they made. They never take any accountability and own up to it. But they will never ask any help or questions even if they have trouble figuring things out. It’s like asking a question is also a sign of lack of intelligence.

I used to sneer at people when they ask for questions as these days, you can find it all if you search by yourself. It takes effort for sure. But now, who cares? they can repeat the same question, be stupid, that’s OK. I can be stupid, dumb, whatever that’s OK.

So, I was growing up taught to be extremely independent, to know how to make money but also excel in life. I was taught all sorts of things so I don’t need to rely on anybody.

Truth is, you can’t have it all and torturing yourself isn’t always fun.

I don’t find torturing myself fun anymore. I want to be comfortable asking for help when necessary. At the same time, in my opinion , I can never truly be successful in business if I still have the same mindset.

Business is also about asking for favors. It’s asking people to buy your stuff or service, or ask others to help you grow it. So, being comfortable with asking for help and receiving help are necessary soft skills to have.

That is why, I am untangling all these. I want to be more successful and unstuck. I had so many core beliefs that while it may be good, it needs to rewire into something different. Asking for help is okay and we’re all social beings. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help openly and being okay if nobody is willing to help either.

That’s all for this weekend reflection, let me know your thoughts/downvote/whatever fancies you. See you around!