I keep telling myself that I don't need to write a post every day. I am no longer thinking much about payout, I feel very satisfied with my current earnings at Hive and Leo, especially considering how much I believe both tokens will be in a few months or a year.
Even so, I feel compelled to write. There is so much information to process every day, so many tiny revelations, so many connection and barely noticeable but relevant changes.
Writing helps me figure out which of these are most relevant to me. Even just the process of trying to choose a topic is really revealing. "What matters most in this moment?" "What is something that happened today that I want to explore more?" "What good idea did I have today?"
All of these questions help me contextualize everything that happens to me.
The last few days I've been meeting a friend who is visiting Tokyo. I haven't seen her for about 5 years. I had just moved to a tiny village on the seaside, right after I left Japan the first time. She worked in a bar.
The town was starting to fill up with trendy shops but her bar had no sign and was a little bit grungy looking. My style hahah. You could hear Western and Chinese indie rock from outside so I made a mental note to check it out when the timing was right.
One day I saw her open for lunch and I could hear Shiina Ringo, the singer who had initially sparked my interest in Japan. I had to go in, so I did and we met and over the next year we talked a lot at the bar, mostly during lunch hours and we met a few times outside.
At night, some guys would come with guitars and they'd play folk songs for hours. Here are some of the songs they played:
This band has recently become massively successful due to some TV appearances, it's in a local dialect none of us could understand :-P
This song seems to be about struggling to live life your own way
This song is pretty abstract but seems to be a farewell to the past.
Meeting her again brought back all these old memories of my village life, between the mountain and the ocean, without a care in the world, just exploring a new culture, learning a new language and living a slow life on my savings, making friends and travelling.
It was actually pretty emotional. Seeing her made us both realized all the hardships we had faced since then. It made us realized how beautiful the life we had was and feel bittersweet about how it couldn't last.
Due to the gentrification of the area, her bar and most of our favorite spots were forced to close by the rising cost of rent. 10x in 2 years!
That plus visa issues, politics and the constant changings of a country going through lightning speed development eventually led me to leave the country entirely.
When I got home I felt overcome with emotions and found myself crying in the shower. That feeling of something beautiful that you will never see again, this feeling is overwhelming for me sometimes. I can only be thankful that I have such a beautiful life with so many of these moments, but there are so many beautiful people and beautiful places that are already gone or have changed beyond recognition.
I also realized just how challenging certain parts of my life have been. I like to say life has been hard or that I've struggled, but there is no denying it. Totally throwing away all worldly possessions for years and letting go of all expectations...only to come back to society and try to share what I've learned, also without expectations.
There are also many stories of betrayal and heartbreak, people I've lost, sickness, and other hardships that I don't see any reason to talk about.
But as I cried in the shower I felt immensely powerful. These were tears of mourning for the friends I've lost, and the chances I've missed, but they were not tears of weakness. I also realized that I have become a completely different animal from what I once was.
Back when I met this friend, I was an emotional wreck. I had anger issues and would cover up my deep depression with a kind of manic recklessness. I had no path forward. I wanted more than anything to give up all hope and just swim out the sea and never come back...literally,
But that spark of hope never died, and it tortured me until I was forced to find a way to let it grow into a fire again. I spent years trying to flame that fire, changing everything about my thought process through many many practices, deep, almost brutal introspection and a kind of intuitive mindfulness. I made healing my one and only priority.
I do not feel hopeless anymore. I do not feel miserable. I realize that for many people in both better and worse situations than myself, the world is ending, there is no hope for the future. For me, everything is fine, whether or not there is a future.
I felt exactly like an experienced soldier who has seen it all, and has a much more grounded approach to life. I still have emotions, but they have no power over me. I am their master and not the other way around. I will face whatever needs to be faced without fear, because running only postpones the inevitable.
Despite all hardships, I still love my life. I don't think I could have said that back then, even when my life was nearly perfect. While there are plenty of things I would do differently if I had the chance to go back, I don't see the point of regret. I will just keep moving forward, now a much more positive and capable person than I have ever been. I will aid whoever welcomes me, and continue to build the best life I can build.
I'll leave you with one last song. Funny enough, two of these four songs are about saying goodbye...
If you are interested in blogging here and earning some change while sharing ideas and making friends, send me a message on Instagram or Twitter (@ ipluseverything)
ブログで自分の思っていることをシェアしながら小銭を溜まったり新しい友達をできたりすることは興味あれば、InstagramやTwitter（@ipluseverything）でメッセージを送ってください。 英語のオンラインレッスンの興味ある人もどうぞ、メッセージをください^_^
Novels/music/merch/social media/patreon:
https://linktr.ee/selfhelp4trolls
Untangled Knots podcast:
Japanese Upbringing Explained (interview my Japanese student)
Join us in the Deep shitdiscord channel to talk about deep shit, art and culture differences
Confessions of the Damaged 1.1-1.3 on Amazon
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