If Only I Could Rewind

Photo by Kirk Cameron on Unsplash
Source

I was swiping through Instagram, I rarely ever check social media these days, mostly just Hive. I saw a post by my friend who went off to college a few years ago and I have rarely seen him since. I looked through his posts and saw a ton of old videos from throughout high school. It instantly put a huge grin on my face, and I became overjoyed that this stuff still exists. There were videos of fights I witnessed in person, ones of me and my friends doing pranks around the neighborhood & school. Videos of our first cars, and the crazy shit we did in them. I discovered a bunch more on other friends' pages too.

I started to see a whole lot of videos showing how I started my addiction. As I got through the last of the videos, I suddenly was thrown into a deep resonating sadness... A huge part of me doing drugs was the feeling that the best of life is behind me now and I couldn't stand the pain that came from that realization. After our last summer together, before they left for college was over, I was stuck in a pit of crippling depression.

Photo by Den Trushtin on Unsplash
Source

The summer before everyone left, we spent more time together than ever before. We played video games till 5 am, sharing all the stories we could remember. Every story from elementary school to graduation, every time we smoked weed at lunch break and got way too stoned. Those days we skipped school to get stoned and eat at the local hotel acting like guests. We all shared videos of each other drinking too much, puking, and passing out. We would sleep for 4-5 hours then jump back on voice chat again. I would ask them if they wanted to go on a random adventure & they always obliged. We visited every park & nature reserve within a 50-mile radius from our houses. We shared every video and picture we had saved, which was just about every event that happened throughout middle school and high school, as we always went out of our way to get recordings from people who weren’t in our group sent to us. We had so many fight videos, I’m pretty sure we had just about every single fight that went on over the years.

Photo by Jason Hafso on Unsplash
Source

That summer I thought our friendships would last forever. Our last days together seemed so insignificant at the time, “of course, we will keep in touch!” “I’ll come down and visit every weekend I promise.” “I don’t care about the long drive, we have so much fun it’s worth it.” Well, things didn’t turn out how I thought. I Only kept in touch with a few of them, and even those people I rarely see. I didn’t go to college when everyone left, I was dealing with legal issues, and chose to do drugs, and play video games while wallowing in self-pity over the fact I got in trouble. I thought “I’ll just go next semester.”, and here we are 5 years later. They all graduated, and I’m living in a sober living home, after 8-9 trips to rehab.

Photo by Louis Hansel on Unsplash
Source

It’s never too late for change everyone tells me, but it certainly is too late to spend those wonderful college years with the ones I loved. Thank god I made it out the other side of that never-ending abyss of drug addiction. I consumed drugs like a garbage disposal. I wanted to die anyway, so I figured I’d just have the most fun I could, and hopefully die before I would have to deal with the consequences. Well… I never ended up dying, and I was too much of a pussy to kill myself. I got so sick and tired of living like a bum it was making me go insane. I went to the psych ward at least 15 times over the past 5 years and burned about every bridge I could. For some reason, I still had a tiny bit of faith left in me, or I would not have gone to rehab and attempted to get sober. No clue why this last time in rehab clicked, as there doesn’t seem to be anything different I did. Thank god my brain finally stopped going into self-destruct mode, I couldn’t take much more of it.

Hive blogging is better than any therapist or counselor. I am working through my feelings now, after avoiding them for so many years. I was offered drugs a ridiculous amount of times over the past month, and it didn’t take a second thought to block the person. I made it out of hell on earth, and now I am enjoying every moment of life to the fullest.

Thank you all for listening, please upvote, comment, reblog, and share my post with your friends. Just knowing that people are listening is what makes Hive blogging so helpful to me. I love every last one of you, have a wonderful day. 😇