I turn on the game and immediately know that it is going to be something big. It's not just about the graphics – these fjords and snow look so realistic that I want to wear an extra sweatshirt because you can feel the frosty air. There's more to it than that. This is not an ordinary game, it is my calling. However, before I became a full-blown Viking, I had to survive the childhood of Eivor – a little Viking who runs around the village, where the party of a lifetime is taking place. On the screen, there is a fire in the fireplace, tables bending under meat, and all the Vikings scream as if they got a double portion of honey. And me? I'm sitting on the couch, wondering if I can steal something from the table. Unfortunately, the game does not allow it.
So what do I do? I run ahead, of course bumping into the first wall I find, because I haven't mastered the controls yet. Tutorial or not, I already know that this game will be my virtual playground.
When Eivor's village is attacked, total chaos ensues. People are screaming, houses are burning, and I am trying to escape on horseback. It should be epic, but my horse apparently has other plans. Instead of smoothly jumping over obstacles, he runs into every snowdrift and every wall that exists in this village.
"Fabian, control it, man," I say to myself, trying to avoid another tree, but of course the horse rides straight into the trunk.
On the screen, everyone dies in the heat of battle, and I wonder if I will ever learn to ride a horse. Eventually, I manage to reach my destination, but not without losses. Mainly my dignity.
"Okay, it's going to get better now," I say, trying to convince myself. Spoiler: it wasn't.
As Eivor grows up, the real fun begins. The first raid on the village was the moment when I felt that the Vikings were my tribal soul. You gather a crew, hop on a boat and sail to the first destination – an innocent, peaceful village. Everything is beautiful, idyllic, until I appear.
"Come to England!" I shout with exaggerated enthusiasm, although I am still in Norway.
On the screen, my Vikings run into the village, smashing everything they can. They burn roofs, break down doors, and I happen to be... I set fire to my own tent. Yes, you read that right. Instead of attacking the enemy, I accidentally threw a torch at my own property.
"Fabian, pull yourself together," I say, watching my companions look at me reproachfully. Fortunately, the game does not judge. The Vikings just keep going, and I try to pretend it was all part of the plan.
If you think that the Vikings are subtle, you are sorely mistaken. The combat in this game is just chaos. Eivor has an axe, a bow, and – most importantly – an absolute lack of delicacy. Every blow is a celebration of destruction. The first fight was a lesson in humility for me.
"Okay, now I'm going to do an epic combo," I think, throwing myself at my opponent with an axe in my hand.
Unfortunately, the opponent blocks my attack, I accidentally turn in the wrong direction and hit the barrel next to it. The barrel explodes, throwing me into the air. The screen turns red and I wonder if the Vikings had insurance.
"Okay, that was intentional," I say out loud, although no one believes it.
After a few such mishaps, I start to understand how the combat system works. And I'll tell you one thing – nothing gives you as much satisfaction as hammering the enemy into the door of the hut. Vikings had style, and I have a controller.
The biggest surprise for me was the character customization. You can change Eivor's armor, weapons, and even hairstyles. I, as a man with a great sense of aesthetics (so I tell myself), spent half an hour fitting every piece of armor.
"Does this cape fit my axe?" I ask myself, looking through the options in the menu.
Eivor ends up looking like a Norse gladiator verse. And you know what? I am proud of myself. Even if my Vikings look at me as if to say, "Dude, this is not a fashion runway, this is a rally."
Finally, I reached England. On the screen, green fields, peaceful villages and... the assault on the monastery. This is probably the only game in which raiding monasteries seems so satisfying.
"Fabian, don't overdo it," I say, seeing my Vikings pounce on anything that moves.
The best moment? When I accidentally set fire to the bridge I was supposed to use to escape. A message appears on the screen: "You can't go back this way." Great.
"It was a tactic to cut off the enemies," I explain to myself, looking for an alternative way.
After a few hours of play, I know one thing: the life of a Viking is chaos, fire and laughter. Whether I'm trying to pull off a cliff or accidentally blowing up a powder keg, every moment in this game is epic.
And what next? Next post is more fighting, more burned villages and... more attempts to embrace my inner Viking. After all, as the Scandinavians say: "With an axe it begins, but fire finishes the work".