There's nothing much wrong playing games, well most of the time, and that has to with it being recreational activity or simply a matter of sportsmanship. But there comes a time when you want to play something so badly, you had to work for it, but then later realized all that work took the excitement and enthusiasm due to occupational hazard or just simply realizing there's just too many priorities left to sort out.
This will be more free-form, so I won't be putting sub-topics in between. I will be separating paragraphs, this is so it helps with emphasize. I want to write this as a way of expressing my difficulties with today's economy, dealing with the lack of purpose and sense of fulfillment, and how it's making it difficult for me to also enjoy games.
I mean, we deal with this sometimes, but I found ways to circumvent usually except now. I will be playing games to review and talking about stuff, still here, but it's important for me to disclose that while doing all this here, kind of what am currently going through.
Where to begin? I've been playing games since I was a kid, the first ever access to the internet I ever had was at the age of 14, and since then the obsession stayed. It also helped me deal with my mental and physical health problems that I've been dealing with for so long. Compared to most people I know, living in where I am from, I am one of those that is highly invested in this, not only as a hobby, but also as something that feels larger than life often times.
Wasn't good at making friends, staying in social circles at school, so whatever I did as a kid, I kept it mostly to myself. Heck, I was not good at getting along with my family either. I had career prospects based around either being involved in filmmaking or game development, neither happened because of either the place am from doesn't encourage that much or it was my health problems.
Dealing with the health issues has taken a toll on me mentally, physically, as well as psychologically. I've been dealing with this for years, that because of how dismissive most of the doctors here were, and some other inconveniences living here, my problems got worse. Because there was no proper diagnosis of it. Till 2020, when I finally spoke to a doctor in India, I've confirmed that I have untreated chronic IBS.
There are other issues I still have to figure out on, but the main symptoms I deal with are bloated stomach, serious backpain, exhaustion, headaches, I deal with them all the time. Gaming, instead of a vicarious experience, turns into something I use as a coping mechanism. Sorry if this is a lengthy segment, but I had to disclose things to clear up before I proceed to this next one.
I wouldn't exactly call myself a role model or anyone that is exemplary to some degree. Am a bit on the bottom of the barrel, maybe even further than that. I don't have a stable job, nothing I do pays enough for some of my hobbies, whatever I do here on Hive is saving up for a big payoff so that I can buy a laundry list of things I wanted. Since I couldn't with my current salary. My family isn't doing well enough, no thanks to C-19. My plans to get treatment abroad were halted soon as that happened.
I played games, just wasting through the passage of time, hoping all of it ends soon. As time went by, the worse my health got. Because I gave up treating it. My relationship with friends are now in a dilapidated status. It gets even difficult to ask them to play games with me. Some of them are dealing with their own family problems as well.
The crappier part, the headaches I deal with mess my head, so bad I forget things, even games I played. The tense state of things and my health affects my mood terribly, which sucks because I finally to play certain games, only to realize something really turned me off. It's so frequent and out of control, drives me nuts.
I get used to these distractions so much, that I forget that I have to prepare myself and learn how to fit in society, even if it's a ruthless cycle of constantly putting your own wellbeing at stake for survival. Imagine someone disabled as me (not sure how to use the label), has to live in the same way as everyone while having a hard time explaining what's wrong with me, because nobody here in professional capacity provide the necessary info to alleviate the distress situation am in.
I should be talking about my difficulty with playing games, maybe I went on a tangent, I am trying to figure what I should next? Playing games is the only thing that helps me find peace, but like this, there's just something deeply wrong. That I forget to slowly function even as a normal human being.
There's even this situation where I have games I wanted to buy, so that I could join the hype and play with my friends, I miss out because I couldn't afford them at the moment. Then there's inflation, price increase, exchange rates going up, and being in the middle of a pisspoor economy. How could it go wrong any further? I shutter to take a guess and imagine.
I bought this GPU (The RX 6700 XT) 3 months ago, because I took advantage of a good deal. Furthermore, I had to sell stuff and get whatever savings I had scrounged up to get it. Been difficult since some of the personal items I liked, were gone forever. But I really wanted this upgrade for so long, I couldn't off any further.
I'm sorry if you're reading this, and it got too depressing, I am taking the time to reflect on where I am in life. I do want other things, happiness, becoming settled, and paved my own path without anyone interfering anymore. I hope the future be brighter, but what does that even mean anymore?