Finally the day we were waiting for, the day to fly back Sibu, my hometown, to visit my parents. Unfortunately, it was a difficult moment because Jansen's complications of partial bowel obstruction had started to kick in.

My breakfast at Ah Cheng Laksa. I chose dry oan mee but came Hor Fun Soup, I ate it anyway because we wanted to make it fast. Husband ordered half-boiled eggs for himself and eldest son his chicken chop rice. Jansen managed to have few sips of milk.

We successfully reached boarding gate earlier. Good jon Jansen for trying to walk despite the discomfort at his inner abdomen area.

Husband and I were quiet staring out the glass panel at the plane. I was looking up to the sky too, asking God to sail us through.

With pain in Jansen, he still gave a thumbs-up. We finally boarded the plane. You could tell from Jansen's eyebrows that he was feeling painful.

Uncle Chin chicken rice. Somehow reminded me to chip up, look up. GOD is my helper. By this time, Jansen was feeling very painful till needed to wail and scream a little.

Our food, rice for me, chicken for husband. Eldest son had nasi lemak which I forgot to take photo.

Finally when the plane was more stable, I asked eldest son to sit to his Daddy's row since it was vacant, so that Jansen got to lie down.

We reached Sibu's house. All changed and cleaned up. Jansen was in pain but wanted to lie down at living hall with all of us there.

The beginning of tubefeeding journey for at least 3 days or maximum 7 days, it depends on Jansen's situation. Each cycle was different. We ready his inhalers too because his throat and breathing would be affected too from all the gagging and vomiting.

The day started at 5:30am. Everyone woke to get ready to the airport. We had asked our dear friend to send us to airport because we rather paid our friend than paying another driver. At 6:45am, we departed to airport. It was smooth traffic except at a few forks where there were jam. We reached airport at 8:15am.

At the airport

It was while printing out our luggage tags at kiosk and thereafter dropping off our luggages, we noticed our youngest son kept gagging. He did gag the night before but he still could eat a little so we were thinking his complications would not kick in so soon. Right after we settled our luggages, we went for a fast breakfast at 'Ah Cheng Laksa' where I ordered Hor Fun Soup. Youngest son, Jansen said he felt tired and could not eat at all. By then, we sort of knew his complications had started to kick in — his partial bowel obstruction caused by scar adhesions from his surgeries during his baby time.

I was downhearted, yet no words uttered. I continued to eat my breakfast, trying my best to ask Jansen to drink some chocolate milk before the pain set in 100%.

Naturally, I am the type who prefer to respond in quietness, or rather words can't seem to form when I am face-to-face with trials, coupled with desperate prayer in heart when challenges hit me, while at the same time, using all ounces in me to carry a cool and composed demeanour, so that in the midst of upheaval, I am still able to make wise decision — that I will not break down.

Waiting at boarding gate

I knew Jansen was already trying his best to withstand the pain too. In some ways, he behaves like me — he would try to believe and hope for the best, almost looked like denying the negative outcome — until the pain truly kicks in then he would surrender to the reality that he is in the complication. I gently reminded everyone to eat fast so that we could walk to the boarding gate as early as possible. Thank God, we made it. Once we reached the boarding gate at 9:30am, Jansen had started feeling the pain at his intestines side. I was still holding up my cool and composed demeanour for our sake. We let the children had some screen time.

Husband and I got together for awhile to exchange stares, to remind each other that all would be well and we could go through this together. Jansen's pain gradually increased in intensity.

In the plane

We boarded the plane at 10:45am, by this time, Jansen had started feeling super painful. He wanted to lie down because the inside part of his intestines felt more pain if not in lying down position. However, he could not. Everyone had to sit upright, buckled up, until the buckle-up-seatbelt light was off. It was the longest 45 minutes ever. The plane finally flew and the moment had come when Jansen could unbuckled to lie down. Poor boy had some wailing and crying due to the pain. I read up, the bowel obstruction pain was sharp kind of pain. Just imagine someone twisted your muscles hard, real hard. That sort of pain at his intestines area.

No one would know the pain in my heart during the two-hour flight except God, because I did not show in my face. One have to know me so well to be able to detect my pain bypass my countenance. I guessed only my Mum has the ability so far. Not even my husband, he may know I am going through stuff but he may not be able to decipher whether is it a pain or sadness or worry or just lots of thinking. I thank God that He knows me well. It was excruciating pain for Jansen during the flight. My heart ached when he wailed. I truly wished I could absorb all his pain so that he had none.

We survived the flight. With lots of tears and wiping of tears on Jansen's face. My tears were stucked within, I did not let them out. I chose to be strong for Jansen.

I got to eat some rice from the chicken rice served. The chicken meat I let my husband had them. My way of showing love in this way, I did not tell him. I told him I loved eating the rice and yes, I did. I felt better after sharing food with my husband. Thank God, husband's row was cleared with no one else at his side. I asked my eldest son to switch row to sit with his Dad so that youngest son could lie down to relief his pain for awhile. Thank God, it helped.

We landed at 1:30pm.

We survived our journey to my parent's house. I had texted my parents prior to our arrival regarding Jansen's situation and the room was already ready with air conditioning switched on, knowing Jansen would need to lie down and slept. He did not had any food except that few sips of chocolate milk in the morning.

I wiped him clean, changed a new set of clothes for him and even with pain, he wanted to be at living hall with everyone else first, and not sleeping in the room first. I honored his request. He was still in pain but he also loved to be in the midst of everyone else. I could sense some worry from my mum, and I tried my best not to absorb everyone's concern because I can, if I do not stop it. I tried to enjoy everyone's company. I was grateful that I had a very understanding family, not over worry yet I knew they care, yet they also were flowing with my faith and my cool and composed demeanour.

Good night

Tube-feeding apparatus was ready, because Jansen could not eat nor drink, solely depending on me to give him the sufficient water and milk. His gagging had also created some phlegm in him and making him coughed, so inhalers were ready too. When everyone else was asleep, I poured out everything to God in prayer. That was when my tears were freely flowing, unstoppable. My trust is in my God. My husband and I know, that, eventually, all will be well.

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