For the longest time I've suppressed what I want.
I don't know if it was all the "no's" I received in childhood,
or all the versions of "you can't do that" or "that's not possible",
but somewhere along the way
it became really normal
for me to not go after the desires that would arise within me,
the things I knew I wanted,
the things I realised, in a single moment that I would like.
Slowly, as I do practices that regulate my nervous system (i.e. help me to feel safer in my body)
I'm going after and asking for what I want way more often.
It's still strange.
It still takes conscious and deliberate practise.
It's still kind of uncomfortable,
but I'm making progress
and each time I do, I realise it's not actually that hard
and it's not actually that scary.
Take this morning, for example:
I had volunteered at parkrun and had dressed such that, if we went to the cafe afterwards, I could run there while Brad got a lift with a mate.
He had already run at parkrun so he didn't need the extra exercise,
but my volunteer role was very easy
and by the time parkrun was over
I'd barely asked my heart to do much more than walk a kilometre
and hug a few people.
But... when we finished parkrun we realised neither of us really felt like going to the cafe.
So we headed back instead.
That meant going through a big chunk of bush, full of trails.
And as we walked I realised my disappointment at not getting to run.
Then I realised that was a desire to run
and that I could still do that.
It took me a few minutes to formulate my feelings into thoughts but finally I said to Brad,
who was walking by my side,
"I want to go for a run before we get home. You can walk back and wait for me if you want."
Before I knew it, we had a plan:
I would run a short, lovely single track loop, forwards and then backwards,
while he would walk the same loop in one direction only.
We guessed that would work timing-wise and it wouldn't overload his (recovering) ankle,
and would, simultaneously, get me a 3km run.
Brilliant. Done ✅
Win win.
It worked well.
And once our little masterful plan was done we then walked the rest of the way back together.
Easy peasy.
And all because I was willing to notice what I wanted and speak up for that desire.
Now, is it always going to be that seamless?
Is my partner always going to be able to make it work for him?
Is there always going to be time for me to do all the things I want to do?
Maybe not. But I bet that there's space for the things I want more often than the many past versions of me might have ever realised were possible.
All photos by Brad, aka @new.things who played photographer while also doing said walk.
This is Day 12 of 30 for #HiveBloPoMo (also known as Hive Blog Posting Month). To learn more, check out that hashtag!
