2 months after, here I am, still playing pool. I told myself that I need this hobby. When I move somewhere else or travel again, I will take this skill with me. And I will never feel lonely anymore. Only if I am good at it though, but yeah, it takes time.
I just want to enjoy the whole learning process. I even bought myself some proper gear because I thought that if I spend something on a hobby that I really enjoy, I will never ever quit. I'm serious now. Okay don't get me wrong, I don't plan to quit yet just another hobby, this is just a BPD thing creeping in today - I'm probably just hormonal or something. Gosh old age, what can you do? The pressure to keep up and be good at something. I'm a little insecure. Let's say I'm just a bit spiraling today.
My mentor at the pool hall told me about this girl he used to teach and how she's really good now. I do understand that there's always someone better than me or got into pool way ahead of me and their existence is enough. But after spending some huge money, and 3 hours 3 x week (this is all I can give due to my job, I still have a life), he told me how he admired the other girl and repeated this story to me. This triggered my insecurity and this is such an unhealthy feeling. How to be magically be the best at something (I know right)? I felt like I have to keep up with his standards and gain his approval especially after all the hard work and money I'm putting in for this hobby. I have to write about this because this is how I am feeling right now. You know, the pain of not feeling enough and it sucks. This all-too-familiar feeling. I know I can't just expect him to change his approach so he can focus on my little improvements, because as you know people, we can't really control them. My mind is messing up with me right now. To be honest, I've been obsessed with pool lately and that it's all I can think about. I watch youtube, I read reddit Billiards community, I practice and practice. And what? It might still not be enough? I know I have to stop expecting some approval from someone and I just have to track my own progress. And gosh, it's only been 2 months! It doesn't make sense to put this too much pressure on myself. People who are good at pool played for 10,000 hours or since they were kids. I'm not even aspiring to be a pro, I just want to be decent. I want to just enjoy the process and compare myself with how I am yesterday. Yes I know all of this, but easier said than done?
It all comes from childhood trauma I think. I have to be the best in everything that I do to compensate for being constantly told that I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough, etc. So early on, I've learned to stop looking for others people's approval because they won't appreciate me anway. I graduated with honors, earned scholarship, got a good job, traveled on my own, became better at what I do at work, and in the end I only have myself to appreciate all of this. Then this new thing came to my life and I feel like being back to 0. How can I fast track to 10k hours? How to have a bit of confidence?
I can't compare myself with others otherwise I will feel constantly unhappy. I want to focus on my own progress and just enjoy the journey. If only if it's easy...
New gear:
Cuetec Avid Chroma
Predator Glove
Taom Chalk
