Let me preface this by saying I've been single for about 4 years now. I've dated during this period, had a great time and lots of fun but nothing serious...Nothing that made me want to reevaluate my future. I feel like my mind has been shifting for the past decade, and all my past experiences and relationships have brought me to this point in my life - the moment I realized I deserved better than anything I was ever given.
Dating has been a bit tricky for me from the get-go. I always felt out of place, kinda like I was born in the wrong decade - a feeling that grew even stronger after watching "Midnight in Paris".
Source: Into Film
To elaborate, it's not like I'm dreaming of a fairy tale love story with the perfect man, who always says the right thing at the right time. No. What I want is simple, yet extremely hard to come across nowadays. And it's ironic in a way because we live in such a modern era where you can find anything your mind can think of, online. However, online dating, that's a whole other story.
The only common denominator in all my past relationships has been me. So you would think, and I won't blame you, that I'm the problem. Whatever reason there was for these relationships not to work out should've been closely related to me. I mean, yes, I won't deny I probably had something to do with my dating failures. As we all know, there are three sides to every story - mine, yours and the truth. And the truth in my case is that I hadn't realized how much past trauma can affect our present. My present. The way I think, the way I see the world, the way I act around others, the way I love...
I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. My parents separated when I was about 8 due to irreconcilable differences, as per my dad. That's definitely not what I remember. One of my earliest memories is my dad trying to choke my baby brother in the dark, thinking it was my mom. Sounds like a movie, doesn't it? I wish it was. I wish I could rewind the tape and delete all the screams at night while my brother and I were trying to fall asleep; all the bloody fingerprints my innocent 4-year old eyes spotted all over our apartment; all the crying under the pile of clothes, hoping no one would find me. Unfortunately, all this continued throughout the years after they got divorced. I used to hate my birthdays because they would always end up with police getting involved, picking up my dad as he drank a little too much and used his fists to show his dominance over my mom. I also remember the moment my mom decided to strike back and fight him. Again, on my birthday - July 15th is a special date in our family. Can you imagine growing up like this? Witnessing these events repeat themselves year after year. While my friends were talking about their latest adventure during summer vacation, I was internally screaming and crying, and hoping to feel peace and happiness one day.
Back to dating now. I know this is such a personal thing to share on this platform with people I have never met. And you probably have an idea of my red flags after having read this far. Wish I did too prior to having started dating but alas, I am a work in progress. The reason why I shared my story with you, apart from using the platform as my Dear Diary Entry for the day, is because it explains a lot about the person I am nowadays and why I do the things I do. I used to think that I should prove myself worthy of the love I was given - because I barely felt my parents' love as I was growing up. I didn't think anybody could ever actually love me - because I never felt the love I needed from either one of my parents. I flinch/ start crying immediately if someone raises their voice at me - thanks to all the fights, screams and yelling while I was little. Let's not forget all the "fun stuff" that have slapped me in the face over the years - eating disorder, anxiety, depression, fear of abandonment, lowered sense of self-worth etc.
All these combined explain part of the reason why love has never worked out for me. I won't focus on the guys I've dated because, well, we all have issues and I have given up judging others for their decisions. In the end, like it or not, we're all a bit selfish when it comes to the love we give and want.
So what is my answer to the question in the title... It's simple - I don't believe in love. Not anymore. I'm not looking for it anymore, I won't fight for it. All these dating apps nowadays are not doing it for me. I don't want a midnight booty call or a "let's hang out" text. I don't want a meaningless conversation that leads nowhere or a bouquet of flowers I had to ask for. I don't want someone who can't differentiate between your and you're. I want passion, loyalty, commitment. I want someone who can spark my mind with a few words; someone who reads on the daily, who has spunk and loves to engage in some witty banter.
In conclusion, I'm taking 2022 to focus on myself and accomplish my goals. If love comes around, I might give in. But I will definitely not go looking for it.
Source: Time
Thank you for passing by. Hope I didn't ruin your day too much with my negative outlook on love and life in general. Feel free to agree or disagree - I'm here for both!
Have a sunny start to the week everyone! 🌞
