Yesterday was one of the days I had this mental breakdown, (This was why I didn't show up on here at all) I woke up with the intent of having a decent day; less painful with reduced tear episodes, but then a phone call came through and destroyed that green screen that I have mentally erected to keep me in a bubble, unaware or unbothered of my present position.
Then that call came through, it was a message of perplexity, it was not meant to put me in doubt, it was just a note of warning, but the side effect overshadowed the intent of the message and all it did was hurt me badly.
Throughout my life, I'm used to messages as such, but it dented my strength and this was because I was hurt, vulnerable, and trying to mend my walls and build up sustainable courage that might help me come to terms with my present reality and help me live with the pain and loss that I'm currently nursing. I knew I couldn't stay at home, I was already beginning to feel the room choking me, so I locked my apartment and set out for my aunt's house.
I was visibly tearing apart, I had to go with a handkerchief to cover my swollen face, and my eyes were glassy, so I could only see the road in a haze.
I was holding the tears, and immediately I got to her place (my aunt) I let all that emotion out and for two hours it continued. My aunt's encouraging words finally made me stop, some of the things she said to me were not immediately viable, but when people are emotional and in pain, sometimes we employ every available resource to help them get better, whether the things we say to them are viable or not, the aim is to keep them going.
After a while I decided to have breakfast, it was already heading to noon, and I hadn't eaten, I took a look in the mirror, and I could barely recognize who I saw, I looked a totally different person from what I used to be, with facial hair and all that. So I decided to go for a haircut close to her house, and two hours later, I was settled again, trying to hold on to the very precipice of hope.
Having a clear support system is not attainable in a time when people just want to survive, go to work, and take care of their immediate family
........it only takes a little gash in your life to help you understand that sometimes, you're truly alone, and any other statement that implies otherwise is just an illusion meant to keep you tethered to ignorance. The truth is that when people are hurt, this is when they're more vulnerable, but this moment is when one is most sensitive. Sometimes one becomes too sensitive, they start paying attention to things that hardly matter on a normal day.
It takes a hit to your psychological windpipe for you to begin to understand that you're not invincible, even when everything has been going well.
Being hurt takes away the courage to approach problematic situations with the mindset of a potential victory. There are battles we feel we might easily win in life, and this isn't because we're equipped and untouchable, but because we have faced even bigger battles in the past and won.
Winning tougher battles in life gives us this logic that the smaller the battle, the easier it is to win.
So people who are used to constantly winning have this arrogance that comes track record of success, and this is why smaller battles often become the undoings of people who have won even bigger battles. People tend to underestimate challenges especially if they look at how well they've handled even tougher challenges in the past.
This is a spiritual phenomenon and hardly conforms to any physical logic of reasoning
However, because we're humans, reasoning within our nomenclature and capacity is why we fail or fall when we least expect ourselves to.
This is why I still keep beating myself, I've only recently learned that sometimes we can misjudge the range or the degree of our battles. Some battles are lousy and loud, we can easily see them from afar, and some battles are sneaky and silent, taking one unawares when they're never suspecting. We cannot determine the battles we face, sometimes we're unlucky to face the latter, and it becomes too late before we realize it.
It's important to never underestimate any battle, this is because, in all our experiences and knowledge, we can still fail to see or discern correctly.
Interested in some more of my works
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