I was going through WhatsApp statuses again, hoping to distract myself from the feeling of not being where and who I desired to be. After a couple of status updates and a plethora of photos and videos of people enjoying their lives, living happy lives, and flexing, I fell deeper into the state I was trying to save myself from in the first place.
I see a friend chilling with their "bae," doing what they'd do: chilling out and flexing, being happy and all. I see some others driving in cars that are glamorous—cars that I admire and aspire to ride one day. There are those who talk about this and that that they have achieved in the last few weeks. Some are already flourishing in their careers. Meanwhile, I lay folded on a mattress, covered in a duvet, watching their lives.
On the days I'd go out, I would see similar things that I see on the statuses on my phone, and then I would feel my heart sink. I am just some guy who's just there—no one to cuddle, no funds to show forth, no career to brag about. I felt alone, and it was heavy in my heart.
One time, I tried to negate the negative feeling I was sensing in my heart by calling some old friends in hopes of having heartwarming conversations. I did, but the first one didn't go in the direction I had expected. In 30 seconds, the call was over, and I felt like I had taken just another step backward and was even worse than before.
"Hey, Joe. I am busy. I have some events to catch up with right now. How about you watch some TV and relax? You should feel better." And then I felt like I was the one not having a life again.
Many times, I wondered just how it was that I was the only one in the world who wasn't having the life that they wanted. All of my friends seemed to be doing pretty well, from what I could see. They were doing things that appealed to me anyway, and I envied that.
I had lost sight of who I was, where I was coming from, and where I was headed. And every day, I felt worse than I did the day before. Slowly, it became darker in my heart and in my mind, until a call came in one day. Another friend, whom I hadn't spoken with in a very long time, called on the phone, and that was when my enlightenment started.
I made myself available for the call and the matter she presented. She had been going through quite a series of disappointments and rejections. Work wasn't going fine, she struggled financially, and she was dealing with a monster for a partner—in her words.
After quite a long time on the phone, and when I was going to say something in response to all of her troubles, I asked about the seemingly happy display of her relationship with this so-called monster. Her response was that she hoped to placate this partner in question, as he was rather unfriendly to her and she was losing it. I was stunned at what I had heard.
What I had heard was way different from what I had pictured. Apparently, it was all for the gram, and I had a false perception of the reality of people and their lives because I had taken cues from what I had seen about them—what they wanted me to see—the good part.
Our conversation went on further, and I shared with her what I had thought about her life and how I had been living in the past couple of weeks. And after it ended, I took much time to ponder how unhealthy I had been living in my head.
No one is to blame for what I did to myself. I let what I saw be the reality I believed in and thought less of myself because I compared myself to others. Comparism kills, and I let myself be consumed by it. Moving forward, I focus on my reality and my pace, knowing that no one's perfect after all.
