I read an interesting post on a social media account from Sasti Gotama, a female writer in Indonesia. She wrote about the law of relativity of suffering. We discussed many things about it and I opened a little dark page of the past, when I was still in elementary school, when I was comfortable in poverty and did not realize I was poor.
As Lila wrote (I call Sasti Gotama by that name, other people too), I also thought my childhood was happy. I think, when we grow up, along with the passage of time and changes, we have different measures of happiness. In the past, maybe I didn't have a problem with various shortcomings, including poverty.
But then, I experienced a change in life. In the past, not having electricity, a television, and a refrigerator at home was not a problem. Now, electricity is mandatory, even when it goes out, all activities are disrupted.
Memories sometimes don't really match the actual facts. When heartbreak first occurs, maybe there are people who think the world has collapsed. He can't continue living. But now that I am happy with another partner, the bitter memories of the past are remembered with smiles and laughter. How fragile we were in the past.
I asked Lila's permission to repost her short notes about the law of relativity of suffering. It would be a shame if those beautiful notes were only read on social media by certain people. With her permission, I am sharing them with the writing community here, in the Hive network.
The Law of Relativity of Suffering
A friend once sent me a photo containing a picture of a light gray and a dark gray piece. Each of the pieces was surrounded by a color of different intensity. However, when the colors surrounding the pieces were removed, it turned out that the two pieces had the same color. In fact, I was previously sure that the colors of the two were different: one was lighter, the other was darker.
Painters understand this concept. The eye only reacts to relative light and dark. This can be observed in paintings or landscape photos. A dark area on a canvas or photograph becomes dark only because it is paired with a lighter area. It can be concluded that light and dark are relative.
I remember a story from my friend. In the middle of a conversation about childhood, my friend said, "I thought my childhood was happy. But it turns out, after growing up, I found out that my childhood was bitter." I nodded even though I didn't fully understand because my friend didn't continue the story and I didn't want to push him to tell me. But from the stories he wrote and published in major media, I can feel a little bit about his childhood, which he said was unhappy.
I also felt like that. I thought my childhood was fine because I thought at that time, that was the condition in every family. I rarely talked to my father, and I thought that was how a father was. When he came home from work, he would read the newspaper or watch TV.
Sometimes, if I made a mistake, I was usually ignored. Once I asked why I couldn't choose my own menu when eating out, he immediately got up, left me and went to the vehicle. We canceled eating out and I pouted all the way home.
When I heard my story, my female friend cried. She said how much I suffered. Then she told me how warmly her father treated her. They often talked and joked. Her father even didn't hesitate to peel mangoes for her and her friends.
I, who previously felt that my childhood was fine, felt how unfortunate I was. My childhood was unhappy. My life was miserable, and I blamed it on my inability to interact well socially.
If that experience is related to the relativity of light and dark in painting, let me make a new postulate: The Law of the Relativity of Suffering. That in fact there is no absolute suffering. People who initially feel happy, can realize that they are unhappy after finding a comparison.
However, actually, if it were the other way around, it would be the same. The suffering would not be suffering if I did not compare it. Indeed, my father was stingy and did not peel me mangoes, but often after work he brought me a set of painting tools or books or new patitur. Indeed, he never praised my grades or achievements, but later on I knew he was proud of me in front of his colleagues. Maybe in fact, my childhood was fine and I should stop scapegoating the past for the pains of the present.
Even so, I don't want to be like my father. It is true that I am not good at talking or interacting, but I force myself to ask how the children are doing every day and hug and kiss and praise them for the little things that deserve appreciation. However, on the other hand, I don't want to blame my father. Maybe he is like that because that is how he knows how to be a father. It's just that, at least right now I want to break that chain and (try to) be a better parent.
Even so, I think the postulate of the relativity of suffering is still valid. As I wrote in Memories of Fishes: "Why do I have to compare my life with others to feel normal?" maybe it's time for me to stop looking left and right, and say, "My life is normal and I'm fine."
Catatan Indah Sasti Gotama tentang Hukum Relativitas Penderitaan
Saya membaca sebuah postingan menarik di akun sosial media dari Sasti Gotama, seorang penulis perempuan di Indonesia. Dia menulis tentang hukum relativitas penderitaan. Kami mendiskusikan banyak hal tentang itu dan aku membuka sedikit lembaran kelam masa lalu, ketika aku masih duduk di sekolah dasar, ketika aku nyaman dalam kemiskanan dan tidak sadar hidup miskin.
Seperti yang ditulis Lila (aku memanggil Sasti Gotama dengan nama itu, orang-orang lain juga), aku juga mengira masa kecilku bahagia.
Menurutku, ketika beranjak dewasa, seiring dengan perjalanan waktu dan perubahan, kita memiliki ukuran kebahagiaan yang berbeda. Dulu, mungkin aku tidak menjadi masalah dengan berbagai kekurangan, termasuk kemiskinan.
Tapi kemudian, aku mengalami perubahan dalam hidup. Dulu tidak punya listrik, televisi, dan kulkas di rumah bukan masalah. Sekarang, listrik wajib ada bahkan ketika padam, semua kegiatan terganggu.
Kenangan terkadang tidak benar-benar sesuai dengan fakta sebenarnya. Ketika patah hati pertama kali, mungkin ada orang yang menganggup dunia sudah runtuh. Dia tidak bisa melanjutkan kehidupan. Tapi ketika sekarang sudah bahagia dengan pasangan lain, kenangan pahit masa lalu diingat dengan senyum dan tawa. Betapa rapuhnya kita di masa lalu.
Saya minta izin sama Lila untuk mempostingan ulang catatan kecilnya tentang hukum relativitas penderitaan. Sayang kalau catatan indah itu hanya dibaca di sosial media saja oleh orang tertentu. Atas izinnya, saya membagikan bagi komunitas penulis di sini, di jaringan Hive.
Hukum Relativitas Penderitaan
Seorang kawan pernah mengirimi saya sebuah foto yang berisi gambar kepingan warna abu-abu muda dan abu-abu tua. Masing-masing dari keping itu dikelilingi warna yang berbeda intensitasnya. Namun, ketika warna-warna di sekeliling kepingan itu disingkirkan, ternyata dua kepingan itu memiliki warna yang sama. Padahal, sebelumnya saya yakin betul bahwa warna keduanya berbeda: yang satu lebih terang, yang satu lagi lebih gelap.
Para pelukis memahami konsep ini. Mata hanya bereaksi pada terang gelap relatif. Ini bisa diamati pada lukisan atau foto pemandangan. Bidang gelap pada kanvas atau lembaran foto menjadi gelap hanya karena dipasangkan dengan bidang yang lebih terang. Bisa disimpulkan, gelap terang itu relatif.
Saya jadi ingat cerita kawan saya. Di tengah obrolan tentang masa kecil, kawan saya berkata, “Saya pikir dulu masa kecil saya bahagia. Tapi ternyata, setelah dewasa, saya tahu, masa kecil saya pahit.” Saya mengangguk-angguk walau tak sepenuhnya paham karena kawan saya itu tak lanjut bercerita dan saya tak ingin mendesak ia bercerita. Tapi dari cerita-cerita yang ia tulis dan tayang di media-media besar, saya bisa sedikit merabai bagaimana masa kecilnya yang katanya tak bahagia itu.
Saya pun pernah merasa seperti itu. Saya pikir masa kecil saya pun baik-baik saja karena menurut saya waktu itu, begitulah kondisi di setiap keluarga. Saya jarang berbincang dengan ayah saya, dan saya pikir begitulah memang seorang ayah. Kalau pulang kantor, beliau membaca koran atau menonton TV.
Terkadang, kalau saya melakukan kesalahan, biasanya saya didiamkan. Pernah suatu saat saya mempertanyakan mengapa saya tidak boleh memilih menu saya sendiri saat makan di luar, beliau langsung bangkit, meninggalkan saya menuju kendaraan. Kami batal makan di luar dan saya cemberut sepanjang perjalanan pulang.
Ketika mendengar cerita saya itu, kawan perempuan saya sampai menangis. Katanya, betapa menderitanya saya. Lalu ia bercerita betapa hangat ayahnya memperlakukan dirinya. Mereka sering berbincang dan bercanda. Bahkan tak segan ayahnya mengupaskan mangga untuknya dan kawan-kawannya.
Saya yang sebelumnya merasa masa kecil saya baik-baik saja, jadi merasa betapa malangnya saya. Masa kecil saya tak bahagia. Hidup saya menderita, dan saya mengkambinghitamkan hal itu atas ketidakmampuan saya untuk berinteraksi dengan baik secara sosial.
Jika pengalaman itu dikaitkan dengan relativitas gelap terang pada lukisan, izinkan saya membuat satu postulat baru: Hukum Relativitas Penderitaan. Bahwa sesungguhnya tidak ada penderitaan yang mutlak. Orang yang awalnya merasa bahagia, bisa jadi sadar dirinya tak bahagia setelah menemukan pembandingnya.
Namun, sebetulnya, kalau dibalik juga sama. Penderitaan itu tak akan jadi penderitaan jika saya tidak membandingkan. Memang ayah saya irit bicara dan tak mengupaskan saya mangga, tetapi seringkali sepulang kerja beliau membawakan saya seperangkat alat lukis atau buku-buku atau patitur baru. Memang beliau tak pernah memuji nilai atau prestasi saya, tetapi di kemudian hari saya tahu beliau membanggakan saya di depan koleganya. Mungkin sesungguhnya, masa kecil saya baik-baik saja dan saya harus berhenti mengkambinghitamkan masa lalu untuk kepedihan-kepedihan masa kini.
Walaupun begitu, saya tak ingin menjadi seperti ayah saya. Memang saya juga tak pandai berbincang atau berinteraksi, tetapi saya paksakan untuk menanyakan bagaimana kegiatan anak-anak setiap hari dan memeluk dan mencium dan memberi pujian bagi mereka untuk hal-hal kecil yang patut diapresiasi. Namun, di sisi lain, saya tak ingin menyalahkan ayah saya. Bisa jadi beliau seperti itu karena begitulah cara menjadi ayah yang beliau tahu. Hanya saja, setidaknya saat ini saya ingin memutus rantai itu dan (berusaha) menjadi orang tua yang lebih baik.
Meski begitu, saya pikir, postulat relativitas penderitaan tetap valid. Seperti yang saya tulis di Ingatan Ikan-Ikan: “Mengapa untuk merasa normal aku harus membandingkan hidupku dengan orang lain?” mungkin ini saatnya saya berhenti menengok ke kiri dan ke kanan, dan berkata, “Hidupku normal dan aku baik-baik saja.”
