I complained to God
before driving towards the rising sun
with a dagger stuck in my chest
and a tsunami hit my chest
a tsunami that came again and again
for repeated sins as light as air
but you carved it on a stone wall
which is unforgivable
the car drove movingly
with a song of memories filling the cabin
a song that was months ago
I sent it to you
and you saved it
became our national anthem
we played it over and over again on various occasions
I wrote down in my head
a line of data on an iron plate: bk 5001 opi
we once joked
about a coffee seller
and you said you would replace him: ayi
the road as dark as the sky
I observed the code along the way
sure to meet
until arriving at the office with a muddy yard
the black car was not there
you didn't even record my message
because your heart is full of wounds and resentment
from sins as light as air
which you carved on a stone wall
as an unforgivable sin
then in there, in front of me you float
in a barren market
because the water is dry sucked up by oil palms
I press the horn
and you don't care, keep driving
I circle in the crowd
following from behind
until I arrive at the hospital, and open the door
sit beside you
whether you are surprised or not
but you say,
"I don't care about you anymore.
who told you to come
now get out!"
your screams broke the hospital walls
I was also left with a gaping wound
escaping the pain with your gadget in hand
I don't know why then I turned
maybe because your gadget is your job
then in a cafe you wasted time
talking to a man in a red shirt
and a female government employee
before the meeting ended restlessly
we circled the streets
you uttered curse words
that you picked up from the zoo
I was hurt, but accepted even without a smile
we kissed and hugged at a gas station
parted in front of your office flatly
you promised we would continue to knit dreams together
but I knew it was just empty words
I wrote down
that day, Tuesday, January 7, 2025
I crossed a six-hour journey
with a dagger in my chest
and a smile that is timeless from the face of the earth
Kuala Simpang, January 11, 2025
Enam Jam Perjalanan tanpa Senyum
Aku mengeluh kepada Tuhan
sebelum melajukan mobil ke arah terbitnya matahari
dengan sebilah belati tertancap di dada
dan tsunami menghantam dada
tsunami yang datang berulang
atas dosa berulang seringan udara
tapi kamu memahatnya di dinding batu
yang tak termaafkan
mobil melaju mengharu-biru
dengan lagu kenangan memenuhi kabin
lagu yang berbulan silam
kukirim kepadamu
dan kamu simpan
menjadi lagu kebangsaan kita
kita putar berulang-ulang dalam berbagai kesempatan
aku mencatat dalam kepala
sebaris data di lempeng besi: bk 5001 opi
pernah kita bada bercanda
tentang seorang lelaki penjaja kopi
dan kamu mengatakan akan menggantikannya: ayi
jalanan sekelam langit
kode kucermati sepanjang jalan
yakin akan bertemu
sampai tiba di perkantoran berhalaman becek
mobil hitam tak ada di sana
pesanku pun tidak kau rekam
sebab hatimu penuh luka dan dendam
dari dosa seringan udara
yang kamu pahat di dinding batu
sebagai dosa tak termaafkan
lalu di sana, di depanku kau melayang
pada pasar yang gersang
karena airnya kering diisap kelapa sawit
aku menekan klakson
dan kau tak peduli, terus melaju
aku memutar dalam keramaian
mengekori dari belakang
sampai tiba di rumah sakit, dan membuka pintu
duduk di sisimu
entah kamu terkejut atau tidak
tapi kau katakan,
“aku sudah tak peduli lagi padamu.
siapa suruh datang
sekarang ke luar!”
teriakanmu memecah dinding rumah sakit
aku pun terbirit dengan luka menganga
melarikan sakit dengan gadgetmu di tangan
entah kenapa kemudian aku memutar
mungkin karena gadgetmu adalah pekerjaanmu
lalu di sebuah kafe kau membuang masa
bercerita dengan lelaki berkaos merah
dan seorang perempuah pegawai pemerintah
sebelum pertemuah berakhir dengan gelisah
kita mengitari jalanan
kau mengeluarkan kata makian
yang kau pungut dari kebun binatang
aku terluka, tapi menerima meski tanpa senyuman
kita berciuman dan berpelukan di sebuah pom bensin
berpisah di depan kantormu dengan datar
kau berjanji kita tetap merajut mimpi bersama
tapi aku tahu itu hanya ucapan kosong
aku mencatat
hari itu, selasa 7 januari 2025
aku melintasi enam jam perjalanan
dengan belati di dada
dan senyuman yang lekang dari muka bumi
Kuala Simpang, 11 Januari 2025
