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“Another way to know Grandma really knows how to cook: she gets even the seasonings at the back of the shelf and gets everything involved.”
“Your grandma is definitely my kind of cook, because it would be so lonely to be forgotten at the back of the shelf.”
Eight-year-old Gracie Trent was passing out mini cookies made by her grandmother, Mrs. Velma Stepforth, to her Ludlow friends next door, and had stopped to sit and eat her cookies and milk with seven-year-old Amanda and eight-year-old Edwina Ludlow. Amanda was the one who thought about making sure the spices didn't get lonely, and Edwina was the more practical one.
“But, Mandie, they are all in there together all the time – they probably get madder in the back because they don't get to get out and get some space and air,” she said.
“The thing is, you gotta be careful even about that,” Gracie said, “because believe it or not, all spices don't get along.”
“Really?” Amanda and Edwina said.
“Oh, wait, I remember Grandma Ludlow over here explaining to us and Eleanor our big sister that there are spices you use for desserts and spices you use for everything else,” Edwina said. “You can overlap them, but you gotta be careful.”
“It's the ones that are basically the same ones that are the same color that can be a problem,” Amanda said. “There was this restaurant in San Francisco we went to when we went out to visit her relatives, and they mistook the chili powder for the cinnamon.”
Gracie just shook her head.
“Real cooks know you can't even put them next to each other in the spice cabinet – that's about as dumb as leaving my brother Milton and your brother George alone together in the world and not expecting trouble.”
“Yep,” Amanda and Edwina said.
“That's real dumb,” Edwina said.
“Let me tell y'all: both my grandmothers were saying even before whatever this Covid thing is that you just can't eat at everybody's house, and I think that goes for restaurants, too,” Gracie said. “They want you to pay them for not knowing not to put the cinnamon and the chili powder next to either in the cabinet – just no.”
“They sure did want us to pay for it!” Edwina said, “but they didn't know Papa yet! They called the police – he had the officer taste it while the inspector was going in the back! They had to close the whole restaurant! It was great!”
“But you need to be closed when you do stuff like that,” Gracie said. “Now, see, some home kitchens need to be closed too, because I think Mom's mental health stuff really started at the work potluck where they brought collard greens with raisins in it.”
“Ewwwwwwww!” Amanda and Edwina said.
“I will fight them myself – I just need an address!” Edwina said. “First for your mama, and second for ruining all those perfectly good raisins!”
“They don't need you to beat them up – they must have gotten hit in the head already, Eddie – they need professional help!” Amanda said.
“That's what Grandma said – they were touched in the head, and it must have been with a two by four or something,” Gracie said. “I mean, you gotta be reaching for the salt pork, but you get some raisins – and why are you keeping the raisins by the salt pork? Even if we are making it vegetarian for you, Amanda, that means people still don't know raisins from onions. Like my Grandma Gladys says, it just don't make no sense.”
“None,” Edwina said.
“Well, if you cook onions long enough,” Amanda said, “I mean, our grandma likes to cook onions slowly on Sunday while we are out on the lawn at church now, and they do turn about your color, Gracie, but still, you gotta have problems if you can't tell the difference.”
“The only thing you can do is say please and thank you when you get good food so you get more, “ Gracie said, “and be ready to get another job or take some time off to protect yourself the minute they show up with raisins in collard greens and blueberries in mac and cheese and expect you to eat it.”
Amanda sighed.
“All those poor blueberries,” she said. “I mean, mac and cheese is good when it's made right, and God makes blueberries right all the time, but, see, that combo just shows sin is really in the world.”
“The devil is real, too,” Gracie said. “Strawberries in baked beans, and what that smells like after everybody needs to do overtime and is up there tooting.”
Amanda just put her little head in her little hands and Edwina put her little hands on her little hips.
“Yeah,” Edwina said. “I'm trying to be a cute gardener and sweet little girl, so, yeah, I'm not going to get an office job, because, yeah, no.”