An Achievers Curse - Burden That is Difficult to Dispel

When I was just an innocent little kid I don't have any single idea what the medals and certificates are for. Do they have value? Does it symbolize something? Is it something valuable to treasure? I don't know and I'm also confused at the same time. All I know is that it has this kind of superpower that can make my family happy and proud whenever I have it.

I remember the time when I first received my award. I was standing in the middle of the stage while people are cheering me up. Do you know what I saw? I saw their smiles, it was addicting, the sparkle in their eyes, was mesmerizing, and oh! Their laughter is one of my favorites! It's captivating! Seeing the people around me like that made me believe that medals and certificates bring positive outcomes. That's why getting academic awards became my goal, it became a part of me as I grow up because I want to keep them smiling, I want to keep hearing their laughs, and I want to make them proud all the time.

Receiving awards is such an honor. It's an overwhelming feeling to be acknowledged for your persistent efforts. You see the fruit of your labor and at the same time, you see the impact of your continuous achievements. I am happy with what I am doing, I am proud of what I am getting, there is no doubt about that. But as I grow older and older, why do I feel like I have some fear inside of me? Fear of something big? Fear of something hard to overcome and accept? Medals and certificates still have the same effect as it was on the people around me but there is something wrong that I cannot point out myself directly.

I tried questioning myself every day to know the answer until I realized that I am receiving a lot of pressure on my shoulders. It's heavy. Don't get me wrong, the pressure is not coming from my parents, siblings, relatives, or friends' expectations. They are not like that, my parents always told me that I don't need to have an award to make them proud. I don't need to be an achiever. With or without academic achievements, their view of me will not ever change and they will continuously support me until I reach what I want to be. They assured me, but how can I do that if their satisfaction with what I am getting keeps flashing in my mind? How can I do that if even myself is now scared to fail?

I am not aware that my desire or intention to satisfy everyone builds strong fear of disappointment. Not disappointment that I can get from others but rather a disappointment that I can get within myself.

I unconsciously created an expectation that I can do this, I can do that. I can achieve this, I can achieve that to the point that the pressure accumulates until it piled up not considering that I can't always get what I want. That's why if I didn't manage to achieve the objective that I set for myself it directs me to the bottom and that is not a good feeling to feel.

The more I became an adult the more I understand things. It is hard to be an achiever. People will look up to you, they will expect something big from you, and they will always believe that you can always be an achiever in the future. Your medals and certificates are proof of that, it says it all.
But what they didn't know is that every medal and certificate that you receive adds a drop of fear to fail. Every achiever's nightmare is not a disappointment after all but rather self-disappointment and a question of self-worth.

It is a curse that every achiever carries. It is a burden that is difficult to dispel. But I hope one day they will break free from the pressure that binds them, I hope they will find peace.

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Disclaimer:

The images used in this post are all mine unless stated otherwise.