What if job interviews were honest? Then you could skip the formalities and answer those inane questions exactly as you want. Then the interviewers can decide if you've got enough corporate stoogeness but not ambition so that you do not pose a threat to them.Here's an example of a very honest job interview.
The SceneThree brownnosers who slack off at work and find excuses to avoid it hit on a perfect one: the recruitment panel. They are in it for the free food, lack of actual work, and also because they cannot leave their "What have you achieved?" section in their performance appraisal empty.
They nod at each other, acknowledging each other's incompetence.
The nervous candidate walks in with a smile pasted on his face like badly done Photoshop.
Interviewer A: Let's start with the obvious: how are you? Tell us something about yourself so our eyes can glaze over and we can have a micro-nap.
Candidate: Yesterday was my roommate's rich best friend's birthday, so obviously I went for the free booze. But thanks to your schedule, I had to get up early, find a tie, and splurge on a cab to come here. But, to borrow a phrase from my wife, I am fine.
Interviewer C: Picks up the CV and scans it as if he caresSo, tell us about your experience. I don't really care, but I will nod intelligently.
Candidate: I have been making PowerPoint presentations for years. I also converted them to pdfs, something my boss did not know how to do, and I am sure you boomers won't either. I also take printouts and memorise coffee orders.Continues smiling creepily
Interviewer A raises eyebrows as if she is impressed: We are hoping to find a corporate drone like you who gives their boss due credit and can be easily replaced by an AI when the time comes. Also, I don't like coffee. It makes sleeping in the office very hard.
Candidate: Thanks. I am also looking to do the same job for a higher salary.
Intervr B: So, why do you want to join us?
Candidate: Money.
Interviewer C: Lol, you are not getting that here. We have bonuses to take. Is there anything else that motivated you to change?
Candidate: I might have called my boss an idiot that couldn't even spell IQ after getting drunk on the cheap alcohol provided at the office get-together.
Interviewer C: Makes sense.
Interviewer A: What are your other skills, aside from drunken assaults and boss battery?
Candidate: The usual. I can stare at a screen for 8 hours straight. I am a good listener, so if a co-worker comes up with a good idea, I listen and steal it promptly. I have great leadership skills in that I motivate my team to work for me while doing nothing myself.
Interviewer A side-eyes Interviewer B who in turn side-eyes Interviewer C: Ah, and we will steal from you! You sound like a good fit in our clique. Hired.
...the cycle continues.
