APOCO-MART Comedy Open Mic

rubido in #hive-164166 • 3 years ago

Well Done been tagged a few times, so feel free to blame @dandays and @insaneworks. I aint very funny but I will have a try for the COM.

Welcome to-

APOCO-MART

( Cue the gravelly intro voice and suspenseful music )

Prepare yourself for a world of wonder-
A journey of undeniable idiocy-
To A Place of unquestionable power-
Fulfill your darkest desires-

( Music changes to upbeat dance track )

At Apoco-Mart Your one stop shop for everything you need to prepare for the end of the world!

Today we will be holding a brief interview with a few of our proprietors in the hopes of shedding light on their innovative products and solutions.

Without further ado here's our host, @rubido !

( Cue the standard applause track )

Hello there ladies and gentlemen let me first off say thanks for tuning in to our program today. If any of our products today tickle your fancy you can use our one time discount code for 1% off at any of the qualifying shops.

That's right people, One Whole Percent!

( Cue standing Ovation with excited yipping )

Now lets head over and take a look at our first shop.

Jimbobs Braintecters!

Hello there Jimbob can you tell us a bit about your products?

Well Sure there Rubidooski, I done got this idea when I noticed those there zombies eatin on some brains. Now I dont know 'bout you but my wife says my brains in my pants!

Fascinating... Go on

Well so there I done Had this Idea, We got helmets for your uptop brain but not the little man below!

Okay.. seriously? You gotta be shitting me Right?

No Siree Bob! I created this here modified jockstrap with metal plates. So that way even if them critters get you they gotta eat your uptop brain first! Clever right?

So you're saying that our biggest problem... Is that we have Dick hungry Zombies Going around? Wow... Just... Wow

I know I done cornered the market with my patented Braintecter! In large you can even wear it on your Big head!

Thanks Jimbob. My life is forever changed. Okay I'm onto the next shop so have a great day.

( Cue The upbeat dance track )

Next up Ladies and gents we have the first shop on the list run by a Real Life Zombie!

BRAAAAAAAINS™

Hello there Madam could you tell me a bit about your shop?

Braaains! (Lunges towards our dashing host)

Well now now, no need to be aggressive. What kind of Items do you stock?

Braaaaaaaaaiiiins! (Lunges again)

Oh for fucks sake...

(shoots the Zombie in the head and flips the shop sign to closed)

On to the next shop... Seriously is this the best the end of the world has to offer?

Ok The show must go on lets check out the next shop on the list, Here we are at-

Angelicas Homebrew

and Homemade Liquor.

Now this one looks promising lets go inside!

Hi there you must be Angelica

Yeah.

The strong silent type I see.

Yup.

Wow, ok lets get straight to business. I see you got Whiskey, Vodka, Wine, Beer, Even some exotic stuff like Absinthe on the shelves. Care to share how you craft all these and what the difference is?

I make em with taters in my tub and change the color.

Oh so they're all the same thing?

Yup, But I add some puddle water to the beer.

Sounds like a secret recipe, Do you have a Favorite Angelica?

Nope This shit will make you go blind.

( puts head in hands )

Thanks Angelica for your time. I think I'll be heading up the way and interview our next entrepreneur.

(Walks dejectedly down the badly lit hallway)

Here we are, at the next shop.

(looks up and sighs)

Garth's Gooey Vegetables & Grosseries

Here we are everyone at what appears to be a fine establishment selling fresh produce. Lets go inside and see what's up!

Hi there sir, You must be the owner of this fine establishment, Garth!

I sure am, I got the finest goods from all over town.

I see you have everything a person could need in here, Tinned goods, Fresh, erm.. Identifiable Vegetables, and is that Toilet paper!

Yesiree that happens to be one of our most in demand products, They are partially used rolls from before the end o days.

(walks with Garth towards the rolls)

Now Garth I'm curious as to why you left some of the used sections on the rolls?

Well Rubido It all started a few weeks ago when I thought it might keep flies off the Vegetables.

So does it keep the flies off the Vegetables?

Nah Got more of them than ever now, but its what's in the tinned food. Got Fly SPAM, Spaghetti & Flyballs. Its like Ranchin without the effort.

So you catch and tin the flies?

Yup I even add in all the vegetables that aint good enough to sell.

( Looks towards the fly covered barely identifiable vegetables )

You mean those are the good ones?

Yup best in town.

Thank you for your time Garth... I believe I'm gonna skip straight to the next shop.

(Walks away muttering and kicks a mutated Rat across the floor)

So here we have...

(Tries to care enough to look up)

Well we appear to have a pharmacy here so lets stop in. Our next stop is...

Doktor Bobs Diskount Surg'ry

Lets go in and see... A load of dead bodies...

CUT

Seriously guys there's not anyone here. I've had better luck picking up women at the morgue.

This is just fucking stupid. Even the Damn doctor is dead on the desk..

Lets just move on.

( cue sorrowful puppy got run over by a F150, wife left you for a rodeo clown music and a long slow walk )

The last stop today my friends is-

AU Revoirs Assisted suicide!

Here I'm afraid our infomercial ends, I hope you take advantage of our generous discount and, nah fuck ya.

I quit.

Peace out.

(Rubido has entered the building, never to be seen again.)

The Cameraman shrugs and walks into the bar, It hurt.

Well that's all folks, thanks for joinin me at the end of days. May your cupboards be full of rotten vegetables and plenty of flies.

All pictures are GIMP (Release the Gimp!) edited mixes of my own photos and a few edited clip art thingymajigs from A Place it subscription I have

#notfunny #comedyopenmic #comtest #pob #vyb #stylin #apocolypse

3 years ago in #hive-164166 by rubido

31.63 VYB

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oldsoulnewb 3 years ago

Best entry I've seen yet, but I may just be saying that because we had a similar approach. I will probably be stealing a few of these ideas when the time comes to set up my end times concessions.

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rubido 3 years ago

No worries, I never worry too much about stealing ideas. Just don't steal my dog and we're all good.

I like to play with things like this 🤣 I pretty much figure if I make myself laugh it's worth it. Even got a chuckle outta the missus but maybe that's cause I was naked after a shower.

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oldsoulnewb 3 years ago

No worries, I don't need any extra worries, so I definitely will not be stealing your dog.

I also like the 'screenplay' kinda style, especially for certain stories. Also always up for some antics with semantics.

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stevenson7 3 years ago

Bloody hell 🤣🤣🤣🤣😅😅

I want a braintecter

Just might got a Nobel Prize for that 😅😅🤣

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rubido 3 years ago

Cheers man I had so much fun with writing that I don't need anything else 😁

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stevenson7 3 years ago

Nah men, your sense of humor is gold 🤣🤣

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insaneworks 3 years ago

Brilliant! Nice mart and art! I'm afraid I have no brains to sell but I hope my kidneys and liver will do. Same goes for my comedy, brainless, but feel free and blame me, as you did, but in the future too, for everything.

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rubido 3 years ago

Awesome I never have to take responsibility for my actions again! I'm pretty sure I don't have a liver or kidneys anymore but all donations are gratefully recieved.

As always good to see you down here 👍

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insaneworks 3 years ago

Awesome I never have to take responsibility for my actions again!

I'm sending you a sort of a get away from prison card, it says: "Insane made me do it." And on the other side: "Insane told me." It also could be, in some cases, the final nail to your coffin but don't worry, nails and coffins are a good thing and don't think about it too much.

As always good to see you down here

Way down. Aaaaaaaal _{the _{way _down.}}

Anyway, happy to help, be sure to be at home when the delivery comes and get your own doctor ready to make the surgery for you, I could only dig one kidney for you and a partial liver but I hear that's enough. The delivery company said that they will be delivering some time between 31.12.2021 22:00 and 31.12.2022 23:00, make sure you're home all that time, do not go to the loo or even sleep or you might miss the time window they managed to pull out of their system.

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rubido 3 years ago

Awesome duct taped a bucket to my ass and organised sponge baths and food deliveries , well beer deliveries and some big packs of Snickers... I think I'm ready.

Thanks for the card I don't mind adding nails, I'm pretty sure when I go they'll pour concrete over it just Incase.

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samostically 3 years ago

🤣🤣🤣🤣. This is really hilarious. It really had to end? How about samostically's shop? I sell Money , only that it might look like A4 paper when you leave my shop....😅

Happy New year @rubido, you've been supportive to me, I appreciate. I wish you Happiness , your heart desires and above all, GOOD HEALTH....Thank you.

!PIZZA !giphy Happy new year!

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hivegifbot 3 years ago

Via Tenor

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rubido 3 years ago

No thanks needed, I'm not always around but I'm always up for printing more money. Those A4 bills are great additions to the shop so I'll pencil you in for the next vacant spot.

Best of luck in the new year!

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corvidae 3 years ago

AU Revoirs Assisted suicide!

I love a good marriage of comedy and alliteration.

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amirtheawesome1 3 years ago

Not to self: Never make alcohol based on a comedy post recipe.

With mud in my mouth, I applaud your post. It was kinda sad to find out that even zombies have more brains to offer than me. But we movie.

Thank you for your amazing entry. Also, great to finally see not complaining about the rules!!!

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rubido 3 years ago

Thanks, I can say you get used to the muddy water, builds immunity and seems to deter the crazies. As for complaining it's never been my strong point 😁

Thanks for starting this up, that's the most fun I've had in a while on here !

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brandt 3 years ago

Would you mind passing along the contact info for AU Revoirs Assisted suicide? Thanks.

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rubido 3 years ago

No worries buddy I gotta say I really rate the service, even had a bottle of homebrew ready for anaesthesia. No waiting in line either.

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edprivat 3 years ago

Bro it was fucking brilliant! Hilarious, tasteful (like my -insert salacious word here-)

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rubido 3 years ago

Gotta get you a braintecter for your birthday. Cheers buddy!

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dandays 3 years ago

Is your life better now?

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rubido 3 years ago

My life improves in thousandth of an inch increments everyday. Reckon there's a market for motivational talks?

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dandays 3 years ago

Oh for sure just don't leave home without a micrometer. You know this generation is with their facts.

Hey dude I've been wanting to ask you some things. I've talked to a couple others about the same thing but I'd like to know how you felt leaving everything you knew. I'd like to know how you feel about it now. Do you still have family in the states?

In just a few more months I'm gonna leave again but this time for "good." I trip out on life a lot and the way it steers my course. What's it like making new friends who don't know you?

I have so much I want to ask.

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pizzabot 3 years ago

PIZZA!

PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
@samostically_(4/5) tipped @rubido (x1)

_{Please vote for pizza.witness!}

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dreemsteem 3 years ago

hehehehe well i'm getting here too late for an upvote - but if you comment i'll upvote it properly! hehehe

Amir is winning me over every time i see him in PYPT with his humor - and now i'm coming to read more of these and cracking up and getting inspired hahahaha

the dick-eating zombies.. LOL seriously - waht is wrong with you LOLOLOLOL

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rubido 3 years ago

Dick eating zombies are a thing, Terrible. Farming my produce from the apocalyptic future. I urge you to get some tecters from the shop, They also search for the lower brain stratosphere from the ladies.

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dandays 3 years ago

Reminds me of the time I'm a little kid and server asked if I wanted fried ice cream. He was Asian and, once he left, dude who took us to dinner laughed and told me I just said I wanted flies in my ice cream.

The paintbrush looking funnel things on the home brew, the bottom one looks like a rocket. 🚀

That was great dude. Good idea. 👍🏿 Nice to see COM make a return. Eh, Amir was on my discord last night, he was "ok, I got the rules down to 5."

We chatted for a minute.

"Ok, how about just these 4 then?"

We chatted for a minute.

Got'em down to 2.

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jesustiano 3 years ago

I bet you could reduce it to "no stealing" and be done with it XD

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dandays 3 years ago

Tags and community. 🤷🏼

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jesustiano 3 years ago

Good ones, actually it makes a lot of sense.

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rubido 3 years ago

Knew I should've read the rules, oh well it was still fun. NOW I got somewhere to post when I think I'm funny.

Reckon we could get them to even fewer like 1.5?

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dandays 3 years ago

I think you nailed the rules.

Yeah for sure. I can't think of one single thing that isn't worthy of posting in the COM community, can you?

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rubido 3 years ago

Maybe about wood, or knock knock jokes. You know how much I love rules too.

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dandays 3 years ago

Knock on wood to cheesy.

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rubido 3 years ago

Could be but even cheese has a place here I think 🤔

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bulldog-joy 3 years ago

Walking through a real shopping mall seems like fun with you. Zombies all over as I recall. Has that changed since Corona times? Haven't been out in 2 years 😂...anyways, I just used you. You know, the comtest and its rules. 😉😄

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rubido 3 years ago

No problem at all, if anything there are even more zombies. Someday I might even do a follow up, after all the tenants change pretty regularly around here.

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bulldog-joy 3 years ago

Fair enough, why are the fluctuating?

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penderis 3 years ago

I think there might just not be enough people left to really appreciate Bobs braintecter, looking at the current market and youtube trending there seems to be a very viable demogra'fic for it.

Lotsa work on those logos so my guess is Rubido went to work online as a designer. Online I mean by the railway, and by designer I mean selling anti-zombie weed. At least the buyers will be to stoned to know they were eaten.

_{Somehow never followed.I rectified that :P oops.}

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rubido 3 years ago

Possibly many things in the past, and definitely done lots of things by the railway. The anti Zombie weed was certainly a hit. Return customers were a bit of an issue at the beginning before the Braintecters hit the market.

_{Thanks for the follow, I love the fact that your text emoji poops.}

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jesustiano 3 years ago

Gotta say it, you really outdone yourself, i enjoyed the post like it was a comedy film of Jack Nickolson :D

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rubido 3 years ago

(breaks a hole in the door) Heeeeres Rubi

Ah shit now I gotta fix that...

Thanks for popping by!

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ecency 3 years ago

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coloneljethro 3 years ago

I've been meaning to open up an 'Armaments & Artillerary shop for a while now, this sounds like just the place!

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rubido 3 years ago

I hear the rents cheap and there's always lots of space opening up. Always a good location for Arms dealers here.

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coloneljethro 3 years ago

You didn't by chance get to see Dismaland a few years back? They could have used an Apoco-Mart there I think 😎

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rubido 3 years ago

I sadly never got to see it in person, I had some buddies that went. Apoco-Mart could have easily been featured. Maybe I should be an Artist... Maybe I should change my handle to Bonksy or maybe I should just get another coffee and leave the thinkin for when I dont feel like death warmed up.

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