I didn't know I was going to write this post because I had other posts in my mind. After coming back from the trip, I was a little bit inspired but then suddenly I started feeling sad and anxious again. This week again I had to meet my psychologist to attend my therapy session and somehow I was completely demotivated. It's not like I am inspired and energetic, I am feeling like my emotions are coming back slowly. I don't wanna keep my hope high about my health but what I want is that I want to keep my mood stable and keep the usual pace. Stress and overthinking are coming back and my realization about myself is getting clearer day by day. My psychologist asked me if I wanted to move and try to settle in another country but I told her everything would be the same. The main thing is I will carry my trauma all the way with me if it doesn't get any treatment.
Yesterday was Independence Day in Ukraine and all the Ukrainians who live in the Netherlands celebrated it in a traditional way; well at least they tried to celebrate the day by showing respect and representing their history and culture. Well, I didn't attend any parties or events because I was not feeling well. This was unexpected because after having a nice short Euro trip, I was supposed to be comfortable with the events. Instead, I didn't feel inspired to be part of any event.
Ukrainians might say that you are a foreigner so you don't know about our independence or something but it is not like that. No matter where I am from, I know the meaning of independence for any country. I am just ignoring a few aspects for my own well-being. Besides, whenever I attend any Ukrainian parties or events, Ukrainians ask me a lot of questions and unfortunately, I don't speak Russian or Ukrainian language so I cannot communicate well. Plus I look like an alien among the people who attend those events. I just wrote a few reasons but there are more. I am not comfortable and many situations and circumstances made me uncomfortable before so I just avoid these events.
It took a lot of time to make friends when I was in Kharkiv, Ukraine. But I didn't feel the way I feel now. I don't know why but I feel so small and suffer from inferiority issues, I guess this is happening because of my PTSD and Trauma. The thing that surprised me the most is that when I was traveling my thoughts and feelings were different. At least I didn't feel like an alien among the crowd. It breaks my heart sometimes when I see the people around me cannot accept and believe that I also come from Ukraine and I also lost everything due to this war.
I am kind of tired of explaining my refugee situation, it doesn't feel right at all. What people think or believe about me shouldn't matter to me but it does influence my mindset somehow. I have Ukrainian friends with whom I talk a lot, chat, and share our thoughts and they always tell me positive things. I didn't wanna write these things but I am feeling like I am holding so much pain inside me. All these problems started when I started working with the refugees and later it became a trauma for me. As a result, I had to quit my job, I couldn't take the pressure and insults anymore.
When I was in Kharkiv, Ukraine; I had to build my life from scratch and I was able to do it. After 6 years of effort, everything has gone just like that. How I suffered, what I lost I know. I wish I could go back to my apartment in Kharkiv and could have stayed there for the rest of my life. It's almost impossible now because the situation in Kharkiv Oblast is not well. Every day there is attack, and explosions but the people who are still there are resilient and brave. I guess I couldn't live there all by myself now.
While sorting out my travel photos, I found some images from Kharkiv city; good old memories of different locations. I used to feel proud and independent when I was in Ukraine. I know how many Ukrainians are living in pain and grief, many people lost their loved ones, kids retouched from their parents, lost homes, and many enormous painful stories. I am emotional and probably that's why I am suffering a lot mentally. Each Ukrainian event reminds me of the pain and trauma I had been through and I am weak.
I am going to end my shitty thoughts here by sharing some photos of my city Kharkiv. These photos were taken when I used to live in Kharkiv. It's sad to see how this beautiful city turned into a dead city (almost dead).
P.S.: I might edit this post later... I don't know...
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Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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