Medicines and continuous therapies help me to stay stable and to do normal chores. But still, there are some days when I struggle a lot with my sickness and mental health. Sometimes my strong personality becomes weak when I realize the damage happened inside me and my all hopes, and wishes just shatter all at once into pieces. I am an emotional person and still now when all the thoughts and feelings arrive, I face a blackout and become depressed. I do not know the specific reason for my depression and I guess I will never get that answer. Because my doctors also don't know the reason or they just don't want to tell me.
My suicidal thoughts are coming back and forth, it's not regular but when something terrible happens or some reminders, or flashbacks come in front of me, I cannot control myself. Many people ask me what's happening to me, I have no answer. Each and every individual's brain, and thoughts are different so there is no easy cure or comparison. Many failed to understand me when I needed them the most; for example: my father. He thinks my sickness is bullshit and there is nothing called a mental issue. He thinks when I don't want to face any problems or challenges, I think about suicide. I stopped talking to him a long time ago because his words gave me anxiety, but I miss my family.
I have friends, people with whom I can talk but I cannot. Simply I cannot. I don't feel comfortable talking about myself, my feelings. But despite of my hesitation, a day before yesterday I talked to @ellenripley, I don't know why but I kind of felt safe talking to her. She is a lovely lady with a great sense of humor. I wrote before that I have been dealing with PTSD and depression and it's been around 7 months since my treatment started. Because of treatment, I am capable of doing daily chores, going to public spaces, and walking around. I still deal with social anxiety but the horrifying experience I have faced before, it's not there. I am thinking of stopping or changing the regular medications that I have been taking for 5 months, I have a feeling that my body will not handle any more medications.
One part of me is still positive, it thinks positively and feels grateful. But another part of me was still in the dark, sitting in a small room depressed. I wish I could write my horrifying flashbacks and thoughts, they are nasty and terrible. A few days ago, I had a terrible mental breakdown again, I went so deep that I couldn't realize where I was and my present. It's like a hallucination and a terrible imaginary world where you only think about blood, flesh, weapons, knives, and so on. All I can say, I felt like I was in a mass graveyard but in reality, I was sitting in a corner of the room. I was shivering and crying hard, later when I came back to reality, I vomited and felt sick and tired.
I haven't discussed this hallucination incident with my doctor, I don't know whether my schizophrenia is coming back or not.
I try to think and consider myself a normal person. Like I said a part of me still thinks positively and is alive and helps me to move forward. Once my psychiatrist told me that I should not believe what picture or image my brain creates and shows in front of me, they are not real. But when I have so much panic, anxiety, and thoughts, my darkest part arises and consumes me so easily. I sometimes think I will never be able to be normal again, I won't be the same happy person again.
My vacation week was okay, it still feels like a dream. But pleasant moments sometimes get lost in the darkness.
Every single day I struggle, I stay quiet and hide myself. I lie and don't wanna show the truth of myself. I wear the mask of a normal, happy individual whereas inside my soul constantly burning. I really hope not to see that day when I have to slit the nerve of my hand just to release my darkness and pain. I hope that day will never come in my life...
I am a human who is full of error but I don't deserve such terrible sufferings.
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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