You fool
Explain a situation in which you were involved when you came out looking foolish. What happened, why, and what did you learn.
It was a Saturday night. I was in Liverpool for the weekend in the UK on a stag weekend or as you Americans like to call it a baaaaaaachelor partae. I had consumed quite a sizable amount of lager that night and the journey back to the hotel we were staying in started to become a priority in my head. We had stumbled out of the nightclub and waddled into a Mcdonalds to eat whatever they had ready. I had learnt over the years to ask for whatever was ready. This way you would get your food straight away and then concentrate on the taxi home. I had no idea where I was in relation to the hotel but a trusty taxi driver would whisk me away and deliver me to my address. My friends were up there ordering a bloody fish and chip which the fish would take 20 minutes to cook. I forget what you call a fish in Mcdonalds because nobody ever gets them. A Mcfish doesn't sound right but they ordered something along those lines. Let's just go with a Mcfish.
"Fuck this for a shower of monkeys" I said to myself.
"You could be ages waiting for these lads."
Taxis are a valuable commodity in these parts and there were two outside the restaurant with their lights on. In little more than a half an hour, these taxi's would be as rare to find as a snow leopard or a white rhino. This was before the dawn of Uber.
I decided to do a sneaky crab on it and side step towards the exit. A kind of a Cartman from South park. "Screw you guys. I'm going home." I was skilled at the sneaking out the door to bed after alcohol because if you ever informed a friend that you were leaving then they would buy you another drink which you did not want. So the trick was to disappear with a puff (not a homosexual reference you animals,). One side step out the door and you were home free with less of a hangover the next day. A perfect plan.
So I did that sidestep and dove into the taxi with the blissfulness and elegance of an olympic synchronized swimmer. The scouse taxi driver was a lovely man and asked me where I was going.
"To the Premier Inn please my good sir, don't spare the horses." I replied.
The premier inn is the stag hotel of the world. I think this hotel chain was set up exclusively for stags. Cheap and cheerful.
"No bother mate." replied the taxi man.
So off we went. I sat in the back while sneakily tucking into a couple of fries from my bag of treasure pausing like a statute whenever he looked in his rear view mirror.
After a while I even had a chat with the driver around the football that we were at that day. He told me about his kids and one of them was handy at football and was in an academy. Nice genuine guy.
"I would hate to be the lads now" I thought to myself while taxi man bleated on about his prodigy son that was the next Zidane.
"Stuck in the middle of nowhere while I am half way back to the hotel."
"I laughed a little out loud." I have always wished misery on my friends as they have on me.
It's an Irish trait.
"They will be looking for a taxi all night. Hehehehe"
Around ten minutes later I asked the driver was it far longer and he said another 2 minutes. The meter had been getting closer to the £20 and I was in the back making sure I had a crisp £20 note to give him.
I managed to cobble together the 20 notes thank Christ but the fare came to £21.
The taxi driver thankfully left me off the £1 and only charged me £20. I thanked him kindly and told him I was lucky to have met a gent like him. A king among men. If only everyone was like Gerry the taxi man from Liverpool then there would be little war in the world.
I stumbled out of the car all delighted with myself. The fries half eaten and a breast of chicken awaiting. One over my friends. Life could not get much better at that moment.
When I walked through the entrance of the hotel I saw a group of people in the lobby.
Eating Mcfishes. What is the meaning of this???
It was my friends!!!! All of them. Sitting there. Looking very content with themselves.
This is an outrage.
How did they get a taxi so fast after me I thought to myself.
Those McFishes take ages to be ready.
The boys were laughing as I approached.
"Where were you Blanchy?"
"We were worried sick about you?" was said with a hint of sarcasm.
"I got a taxi" I replied.
"How did you lads get back already?"
"Funny you should say that," said my friend.
He went over to the curtain for some big reveal.
He pulled the curtain open and there across the road was the Mcdonalds that we were just in.
How can this be?? I have been travelling for more than 15 minutes to get here.
Gerryyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! I shouted as I shook my fist in rage.
Why did you forsake me???????
Quite the fool I was. The taxi driver collected me outside Mcdonalds knowing hotel was across the road and just drove me around the block for a while to build up his meter.
Meanwhile the lads just moseyed across the road to the hotel.
I will never leave this down. My friends had an absolute field day.
"I fucking hate taxi drivers!!!! Crooks the lot of them especially Gerry.
